The Columnist Consensus: Slope Day Edition

From East Hill Plaza to Taste of Thai, the town is abuzz with the announcement that former Degrassi star Drake will be performing at Slope Day. In times like these your Sun columnists clamor and shriek, demanding their opinions be heard. But what will their consensus be...

Using Your Noodle: Drake? Drake who? The only Drake I know of is the guy who came up with the “Drake Equation” — a method of calculating the probability of other intelligent life existing in the Universe. I’m sure if you apply the equation to the Slope Day Programming Board you come up with a zero-probability of intelligence. — Munier Salem

All Mixed Up: What? The Pussycat Dolls? What a horrible choice. This just ruined my year. The only way it could be worse is if up-and-coming rap entertainer Drake was coming here instead. — Yevgeniy Feldman

Hopey-Changey Stuff: Where’s the transparency? When Dan Tracy took office last year he promised to make meetings about Slope Day open to the public and broadcast them on C-SPAN. So much for change. — Andrew Daines

Seinfeld Me: Like the Drake. Love the Drake. How could you not like the Drake? — Rob Tricchinelli

Voice of Reason?: I don’t understand all of the Drake hating going on. The guy packaged up a mixtape that was available FREE on the internet and it still SOLD hundreds of thousands of copies. When we got Kanye back in 2004, he had just released his album College Dropout three months before Slope Day and he finally blew up. Drake is going to be releasing his FIRST ALBUM this year just before Slope Day. Parallel? Yes, boys and girls, Drake was nominated for Best Rap Song and Best Rap Solo Performance at the Grammy’s, without having even released an album yet. Get ready to have the guy who is going to have probably five songs in the Billboard 100 off of his new CD when he gets here in May. At least in my four years at Cornell, this will be the Best (Slope Day) We’ve Ever Had. — Jeff K.

Cameo-tastic: I don’t care about Drake, but the idea of Weezy getting out of jail in time to join his protege on the Slope Day Stage gets me hype. It definitely increases the chances that they serve Robitussin and Cokes this year instead of beer. — Tony Manfred

The C.U. Treatment: Maybe Drake can make his song more relevant to Cornell by adding “The best I ever had ... as measured by one and a half deviations above the mean.” — Steven Zhang

Stone Cold Hatin’: Drake? Seriously now? Was he thefuckin’ best we could do? Gee, I’m real glad SDPB learned their lesson from last year’s horrendous choice of Asher Roth and the Pussycat Dolls. Please, please, please may this not be a harbinger of acts to be announced. — David Murdter

And the consensus is...

By Slope Day we’ll be too wasted to notice what defeaning sounds blare out of the Libe Slope speakers, but right now we’re none-too-pleased. Perhaps we wanted a bigger name. Perhaps we wanted some rock ‘n roll. Perhaps we just didn’t want a damn Canadian to headline.

We had our dissenters (could Jeff K. be the Opinion section Swami?), but all in all, we responded to Mr. Drake with a collective scoff.

The Columnist Consensus appears periodically this semester. To talk back contact the Associate Editor at opinion@cornellsun.com [4], or contact our columnists through their individual emails.