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DiscussIt’s a busy time of year, so I’ve turned to all sorts of crap to distract me. (The year is not busy enough for you yet? Oh, aren’t you just the luckiest duckling!)
Actually, my “snark attack” on your lack of work is quite apropos to this week’s theme, sort of.
Lemme explain: remember in Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing when the dude put up the two four-finger rings next to each other, one inscribed with “LOVE” and the other inscribed with “HATE”? This week, I’m holding up only one fist. And I’ll give you a hint: it ain’t the fist of love.
Because really, isn’t hate just so in vogue right now? Next to Alexander McQueen’s post-apocalyptic, metallic, snake-print hoof-booties, hate is just so fashionable. Emotional abuse is the new black, as far as the Internet is concerned. Look no further than Perez Hilton getting paid in ego trips and celebrities’ tears for my point to be emphatically proven.
So let’s catch the fast train to Hatesville (Final Destination: Hell) and brush up on the funniest, most caustic and most poignant Flavors of Hate™ on the web right now.
1) REGRETSY (regretsy.com)
Most of the items on the website Etsy aren’t totally bonkers, but it takes all kinds to make an arts-and-crafts-swap.
The best way to describe Etsy is E-bay-meets-shoddy-homemade-shit-that-looks-less-awesome-than-it-would-brand-new. In case you haven’t figured it out already, Regretsy takes all of Etsy’s awesomely atrocious items for sale and posts them on its website. Indeed, Regretsy’s site banner reads, “Handmade? It looks like you made it with your feet.”
But the site is not all scats and giggles: once in a blue moon, if you decide that you actually do want that Royal Turtle Claw Pin, Regretsy will link you directly to the page on Etsy.
And speaking of Royal Turtle Claw Pins, in response to its Etsy description (“Victorian inspired turtle foot, with gold foil, brass wire, and bee detail. Antique green point-back rhinestones add extra sparkle, and the brass dangle adds a touch of whimsy,”) Regretsy comments, “Whimsy! That’s the word I’d use! I’ve got a decaying turtle foot on my cravat and I feel so fanciful! La la la la la! Jesus, this thing is disgusting. The only way it could be worse is if there were two of them.”
Point well made. Come laugh with the site that sells worse stuff than your grandparents’ yard sale.
2) DLISTED (dlisted.com)
Who doesn’t love celebrity gossip? Well, obviously the people who don’t care about celebrities don’t love celebrity gossip — but they are also the cold-hearted pricks that don’t care about the welfare of other mankind.
I, on the other hand, sincerely care about Britney’s parenting, and I also sincerely care about keeping abreast of her parenting F-ups. And I love to know when she contracts staph infections from walking into gas stations barefoot.
Dlisted is there for me and for the other people who care about caring about celebrities.
The site is not as phallo-centric as Perez (i.e. no pee-pee drawings near celebs’ faces), but it is arguably twice as rude and crude. Dlisted is like the drunk, bawdy aunt you always look forward to seeing once a year for three hours, and then never again for another 365 days. In fact, just like how you feel in the company of said aunt, Dlisted’s banner reads “Be Very Afraid.”
For example, one of the tamest quotations is on Lindsay Lohan meeting Donatella Versace: “When you’re 23-years-old and you make 305-year-old zombie vampire Donatella Versace looks like a newly sprung spring dandelion basking in the morning sun, it’s time to retreat to the nearest oxygen tank to take a much-needed NAP!”
So if you need to turn the focus away from your boring life, tune in and drop out with Dlisted: It’s like a glass of milk for all of the mean bones in your body.
3) CNN (cnn.com)
What? Cut me some slack.
This week, people have been slinging mud left and right, and CNN’s got the scoop. And they’ve got Anderson Cooper laughing about barf. See particularly: “Balloon Boy’s Blip on Live TV causes Media Firestorm.”
So first, the kid goes, “You guys said we did this for the show!” Eee, awkward turtle hand motion for the Heene family. Mop-topped Papa Heene swung his locks from side to side as he quickly thought up an “airtight” alibi to Falcon’s TV faux pas.
Who knows, maybe while little Kittyhawk was “playing” ... you know, before “he fell asleep” ... he huffed a bit too much helium.
Or maybe the real moral is: six-year-olds aren’t good with secrets, especially ones about conspiracies to get your family a reality show like that nice Jon and Kate couple. Duh.
All of his blabbering aside, Falcon had been through a rough two days. Yet on the morning after his stunt, the family went on the entire circuit of morning talk shows. And here’s where Anderson Cooper is seen in a rare moment of laughing about vomit.
On the Today Show, Mrs. Heene was responding to a question when Falcon totally spewed on live TV. Never one to be called a “bad parent,” Mrs. Heene continued answering the question Meredith Viera had posed while her son was given a piece of tupperware into which he could ralph.
So anyway, later, the oft-serious Anderson Cooper (AC/360®) totally lost his ish on his show when he played back the clip of the debacle that was NBC’s Today Show.
I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried!
Moral of this story: Any kid who barfs on live national TV a few times in the same morning certainly shouldn’t be on a reality show. And this, I think, is a lesson duly learned.
And so, if you are hating on your schoolwork this week, even the stodgy news channels have got some scintillating crap to increase your procrastination. No matter which meandering route you choose, get surfing! (Your workload won’t thank me.)