The Berry Patch: Get the Heck Out of Cornell ... All of You!

Ann Coulter '84 was right. The Ag School is nothing but a bunch of dairy farmers and plant growers with low SAT scores. In fact, the only worthwhile things to come out of CALS are some self-important fratastic AEM majors and the Dairy Bar. Yum! Delicious ice cream! But it’s winter now, and the Dairy Bar is closed, so all we’re left with is a bunch of kids who pop their collars and wear pink shirts. But what about the other schools? Well, let’s find out ...

ILR

Known for reading books about unions, communism, anarchism and also for protesting sweatshops, ILRies have ought to change their acronym to “I Love Rioting.” Industry is dead anyway, we’re guessing labor is too. As for relations, you guys can all go ILRcest in the basement of Ives.

Human Ecology

Formerly the College of Knitting and Sewing, HumEc majors have moved on to ... knitting and sewing. Reading Cosmo and Vogue for homework would be OK if only you left MVR every once in a while ... and not to do “field work” baby-sitting eight year olds at Belle Sherman Elementary.

AAP

Home to controversy and chain smokers, AAP hosts a gang of kids who take classes for five years to hopefully one day design glorified boxes like Milstein Hall. Wait, what’s that? Milstein Hall has been renamed Milstein Parking Lot. We didn’t forget about you, planners and artsy kids — just keep hanging out in Green Dragon and wallowing in your misery, there’ll be jobs for you some day.

Engineering

Go program your TI-83+ ... NERDS! And while you’re in Duffield Hall on Saturday night, maybe you can program ours too. Forget getting wasted on weekends, life is about the inverse double derivative of some stuff we really don’t care about.

Hotel School

Too easy ... we don’t even know where to begin.

Arts and Sciences

Coulter was in Arts. If that doesn’t top them all, then we don’t know what does.