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DiscussTo the Editor:
Re: “How Do You Like Me Now?!” Opinion, Mar. 3
Charlie S. Niesenbaum’s Monday opinion piece on the concealed carry of water pistols promotes the kind of right-wing tomfoolery that will get us all soaked if we aren’t careful. Straight from the mouth of Cheney, (the man whose grandson once “accidentally” squirted a friend in the face at summer camp), Charlie’s rhetoric confirms him to be just another conservative nut job in the neo-conspiracy. Let’s take a look at the facts, “Snack King” And by facts I mean well-researched, cold, unapologetic, hard-nosed evidence ...
Fact #1: Without water guns, there would be no water fights. This is the plain, simple truth. I’ve never heard of anyone getting wet in a fight without water guns. You want to stop wetness massacres, go right to the source. Be responsible, King. Have you ever had to dry your own childrens’ clothes after a water fight? Didn’t think so ...
Fact #2: Gangs and hoodlums DO NOT have easy access to Super Soakers. I’ve heard the GOP myth countless times that if we take away our water pistols, that’ll just give “the enemy” a leg up. Fact: criminals have to follow the same rules as we do, Charlie. They have no special access to water guns, water balloons, water weenies, trash cans filled with water, or anything that can be used to make us wet. Don’t play the national security card with me, buddy ... I’m calling a penalty.
Fact #3: The Constitution was meant to be broken. The Second Amendment is an outdated, meaningless string of words thrown together. No one cares about it. Fact: 80 percent of Americans have never even heard about it. We cannot allow it to keep running our lives, or else we’ll just see more and more drive-by drenchings and school soakings. Is it worth it to you?
“This whole Constitution thing is sooo pointless. No one’s ever gonna read it anyway ... Now who stole my White Chicks DVD?”
— John Adams
Stick to snack foods, boss. Cornell’s safety depends on it.
Brett Greenberg ’08