Sartorial Strategy

With Super Tuesday fast approaching, this year’s winter fashions are politics as usual! It’s time to find out which candidates will rock the exit polls with trendy attire, and what wardrobe nightmares will prevent big wins tomorrow in the unforgiving fashion mainstays of New York and L.A.

Hillary Clinton is on a mission to surpass Madeline Albright, Nancy Pelosi and Maggie Thatcher as “world’s most important woman.” Of course, reaching new heights requires employing new fashion tactics, and for Clinton, the typical lavender “dynasty” suit will simply not do the trick! It’s time to break out the pant suits and call in the experts. According to The New York Times, the Clintons are close friends of famed designer Oscar de la Renta. Hill’s campaign wardrobe has included Yves Saint Laurent, Prada and Marc Jacobs. But things haven’t always been this glamorous for the Goldwater Girl.

In a recent debate, when John Edwards was asked to describe a shortcoming of Clinton, Edwards replied it was her gaudy pink jacket. Back in her oval office days, Clinton was often ridiculed by the press for constant wardrobe malfunctions and failed makeover attempts. The junior senator from New York has also been caught on the Senate floor displaying a bit too much of her “Adirondack High Peaks.” On July 18, a combination of unforgiving fluorescent lighting and a subtle v-neck chemise exposed innocent C-Span junkies to a glimpse of Clinton’s cleavage. According to the Washington Post, which broke the story, “There wasn’t an unseemly amount of cleavage showing, but there it was. Undeniable.” Ouch!

As a former business consultant, you would think Mitt Romney knows the creative ins and outs of formal attire … unfortunately, this is not the case. Romney’s outfit is singular: the simple dark blue suit, the starched white shirt, and the thick blue tie. In circumstances of such extreme consistency, it is telling to note the one variation on the theme: Romney’s tie. Mostly it is some form of blue, but increasingly it’s red, and sometimes even striped. Could this shift in electromagnetic frequency be some sort of symbolism for Romney’s unclear stance on social issues? The pragmatic Massachusetts governor has often been accused of moving further and further to the right as the primary has unfolded. Do I detect a pair of flip flops?

Barack Obama oozes youth in a way that could make JFK jealous. The Illinois senator is not the youngest nominee in American history, but when you’re running against the likes of John McCain, Barry is certainly young enough. The fabulous Maureen Dowd describes his look as “that JFK casual glamour pose in shirt sleeves and tie, suit jacket slung over his shoulder, elegant wife and pretty children accessorizing.” Indeed … fashion forward, business-casual attire is always present, but are there hidden consequences that come with casual elegance?

It turns out O-Bambi once tried ditching the neck tie in favor of a liberated collar… the result? Back in 2006, Jeff Greenfield, Senior Political Correspondent for CBS News, pointed out on CNN that Obama’s black blazer with a tie-less white button up, top button undone, was reminiscent of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. It wouldn’t be the first time the Illinois senator was compared to a member of the axis of evil (cue the name jokes). Needless to say, the tie is back.

John McCain is currently the belle of the ball after his recent success in the Florida primary. At 71, McCain would be the oldest president in US History, but don’t think this exempts the Arizona senator from the D.C. fashion police! Attire became a prime concern for the McCain campaign, and advisors ditched formalwear and began dressing the “maverick” in sweaters galore.

This may seem like a smart move for, say New Hampshire or Michigan … but the sweater gig went a little too far: all the way to the desert sands of Iraq. The news media took notice and began to ponder the meaning of this sweater fetish — was McCain a metrosexual? In a moment of weakness back in July, McCain declared he was through with these “gay sweaters.” His remark landed him on blogs across the country. Not to worry, he wasn’t really guaranteed the LGBT vote anyways.

As the champion of the poor, John Edwards keeps his attire low key. Nevertheless, Edwards manages to keep many a desperate housewife all hot and steamy with his raw “patriotism”: rosy red dimples, pearly white smile, and baby blue eyes. Still, for this under-financed progressive, there needs to be a secret weapon. William Jennings Bryan had his Cross of Gold, and Edwards has his “hair of gold” (well, it’s more of a golden-brown, but who’s being picky?).

Edwards cuts his hair like a star, employing famous Hollywood stylist Joseph Torrenueva to tame the mane. The cost for these locks of liberty? Back in March Edwards admitted paying $400 a pop for two haircuts. According to the Washington Post, during the 2004 campaign Edwards flew Torrenueva across the country for a whopping $1,250. Champion of the poor indeed…

This bundle of southern charm has officially left the race for the white house, but don’t be too upset— the perennial bride’s maid may be back on the ticket soon as the vice presidential nominee, trying once again to swing the south for the blue team. Maybe this time the big spender will break out some Armani.

Our final candidate of mention in the ever-narrowing field is former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee. In his evangelical youth, the former pastor sported the black robes and white collar look. Today Huckabee has ditched the ecclesiastical, but the real story here is the Huckabee waistline. When first elected governor, Huckabee admitted to weighing nearly 300 pounds at only 5’11” — God hearts Huckabee, but apparently calories do not. The born again Christian lost a disgustingly un-American 110 pounds in the intervening years.

Of course looks aren’t everything this election season. Candidates will also need to focus on larger issues, such as race, gender, religion, and youthful indiscretions. Nevertheless, it’s hard to deny that today’s “fashion don’ts” will be tomorrow’s “White House won’ts.”