Back in high school, I naively assumed that being a guy who loved cats would score me major brownie points with the opposite sex — that it would reveal a sensitive core behind my immature, testosterone-soaked exterior. Inevitably, when I’d find some clumsy way to slip the fact into conversation, I’d get a response something like the one I got from fellow columnist Ariela Rutkin-Becker ’09 when I told her that I’d taken on this debate and was weighing in on the side of our furry feline friends.
“Ewwww, cats!” she winced. “I’m a dog person.”
Well, Ariela, screw you.
It will forever be a mystery to me why you and so many others shun the world’s most adorable species in favor of the dumber, uglier descendants of wolves. I long ago contented myself with remaining the minority opinion on this age-old question, for few things make me smile more than cats. I’ve been fortunate to have one since middle school. She’s black, she’s cute and she’s 16 years young (R. Kelly’s kind of cat). When I’m home, she watches TV with me, she keeps me company while I’m reading, and at night — when Dad and sisters have shut their doors — she jumps up on my bed and head butts me until I move over. She’s like a wife of sorts, minus the sex and the credit card bills.
I can’t imagine deriving the same satisfaction from a dog, though I respect those who do — the same way I respect those who enjoy listening to thug rap and watching Jack Black movies. I’m a partisan on this issue, I admit, and recognize that some of you may still be undecided or apathetic. Heck, you may one day find yourself in the market for a family pet, unsure whether to go canine or feline. I’m confident, though, that when you pause and run a cost-benefit analysis, you’ll get off that fence and come over to our side. I assure you the grass is a lot greener.
The benefits both creatures bring to the table are fairly straightforward and somewhat comparable: Both keep you company, both can be fun to play with, both make good members of the family. It’s a wash, right? Not exactly. For one thing, despite the conventional wisdom, cats do most of those things better. (A kitten with a ball of yarn is far more entertaining than a puppy with a fake bone, and a cat makes a better — and quieter — TV buddy than any dog.) For another, the average cat outlives the average dog by several years, so you’ll be enjoying her company long after Rover would’ve kicked the bucket. After all, when you buy a dishwasher, you want to know how long it will last — why should this be any different?
It’s on the cost side, though, that cats really come out on top. It’s been said, somewhat misleadingly, that dogs have masters while cats have staff. It’s really the other way around. Dogs are essentially four-legged chores. You have to walk them, bathe them, and clean up after them every time they take a dump. Cats are content to walk around the house, cats bathe themselves and cats do their business somewhere more dignified than the sidewalk.
Cats don’t just have better hygiene, though. They have superior manners.
Of course, saying that a creature has better manners than a dog is like saying someone has better ethics than a Congressman — that is, not saying much. But it bears repeating because dogs are the rudest, most obnoxious creatures outside of the Big Apple. They fart, they bark at strangers, they hump legs, they lick you in inappropriate places at inopportune times. Worse, they have a terrible case of ADHD, and veterinarians and pharmaceutical companies haven’t yet come out with doggie Ritalin. Ever heard of a cat being sent to obedience school? I didn’t think so.
This is usually the point of the argument where, grabbing at straws, the dog lover tells you about a friend of a friend of a cousin of his who almost drowned, but was rescued and dragged to safety by her faithful dog Spot. When’s the last time a cat saved a life, Ben — huh, huh?
OK, you got me there. In the saving-people’s-lives category, dogs come out on top. But keep in mind that for every person they save, dogs kill twice as many. Google “dog mauling” and make sure to have a barfbag at the ready. Thinking of leaving Duke in the backyard while you go to work? Better install an electric fence and tie him to a tree — that is, unless you want little Johnny next door coming over to pet the doggie and coming back minus an arm. Of course, should that happen, the dog wouldn’t go to jail. You would. You’d be the fall guy — Scooter Libby, with no president to bail you out.
Want somebody to play catch with? Become a Big Brother.
Want to protect your house from intruders? Invest in a security system.
Looking for a best friend? Meet some new people.
Want a pet? Get a cat.
Still want a dog? Get the right kind — the one on a bun with mustard.
Ben Birnbaum is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at bbirnbaum@cornellsun.com. Infomaniacs Anonymous appears Tuesdays.