Inspired by that list The Sun printed a while back — “Big Red Ambition: 161 Things Every Cornellian Should Do” — I’ve come up with an alternative version, based on four long years of moronic mistakes and lessons learned. Do NOT:
1. Enroll in any course that meets before 9:05 a.m. What are you, sick??
2. Live in Baker Tower. Luckily, my, uh, six hallmates sophomore year were very nice. Otherwise, I assume it’s a lot like living in Alcatraz. But less social.
3. Expect much from Gannett. Unless you’re pregnant or suffering from V.D., in which case they’re swell. Pun intended.
4. Take a course at the Vet School. I don’t care if it’s a life-changing inquiry into the arcane secrets of the universe taught by a Nobel Laureate. The walk to that end of the Earth is simply not worth it.
5. Volunteer to pass out quartercards on Ho Plaza. Next to the chimesmasters, I’d say they’re just about the most despised people on campus.
6. Wear an “Ithaca is Gorges” t-shirt past freshman year. Muster a modicum of self-respect, please.
7. Wear stilettos to class. Unless you’re taking Pole Dancing 101, that kind of footwear is neither appropriate nor practical. And you hold up everyone trying to get by behind you. Muffy, Kitty, Kiki — whatever your name is — do us all a favor and leave the pumps at home.
8. Leave your umbrella at home. Ezra’s Law says that you WILL be caught in a monsoon the one day you forget it.
9. Work in food services (café, dining hall, etc.). From what I can recall from my yearlong freshman stint as a cashier/pastry slave/coffee bitch at Carol’s Café in Balch and from what my friends have told me, the jobs are hectic, thankless and oftentimes gross. Not to mention that children working in Malaysian sweatshops are better paid.
10. Go to Dino’s on any of their “18 & Over” nights. Unless you’re into jailbait and roofies, of course.
11. Take Autotutorial Biology 105. Hey, why don’t I pay you to NOT teach me jack, rape me on a biweekly basis with oral tests, and then give me a B-.
12. Go to any Balch Hall Womyn’s Center event with the words “Free Massage” in it. ::Shiver::
13. Tan on the Arts Quad in a bikini. The first time I saw people doing this, I couldn’t believe my eyes: Where did all these Ithaca College kids come from?? But then it hit me ... they’re ours. Scabies and all. Honestly, ladies, a “For Sale” sign would be just as effective.
14. Get on Denise Cassaro’s mailing list. Newsletters about obscure campus events and classifieds pawning off crap will haunt your life for years to come. Who is Denise, anyway? The world will never know.
15. Buy textbooks from the Cornell Store. Sometimes it’s unavoidable, but I don’t see why Cornell needs to charge so much for a book sold for half the price at Kraftees. And the same goes for food from campus convenience stores.
16. Spend your 21st birthday studying for the MCAT. Like I did. Some things are simply not worth it.
17. Go to Couma’s, Ithaca’s premier strip club. Think third-trimester pregnancies, blue-gray track marks, and paw-print tattoos. My (heterosexual) male friend returned from his first and only trip there, pale-faced, wide-eyed, minus one nipple courtesy of a toothy stripper named Candi, and declared that he was gay.
18. Anger the C-Town hobos. They can be a bit ... ornery.
19. Take any course with the word “medieval” in it. Somehow, at some point, without my being aware of it, this became my concentration in English. To be honest, I can’t complain about my professors because they were great. But the students ... eesh. Makes me wonder if enforced sterilization isn’t such a bad idea.
20. Mock the Hotelies so much. I know I do my fair share of it ... but really, it’s not their fault that their courses are B.S. and that their classmates are hotter. Besides, where do you think all that alumni money comes from, anyway? It sure as hell isn’t from the English majors. Hate the AEM majors instead. Now those kids suck.
21. Expect to meet your soulmate at a frat party. At best, you’ll find a bedmate; at worst, gonorrhea.
22. Get a laboratory-assistant job that won’t lead to a research position. Usually, the jobs are filthy, repulsive and disgusting ... or some combination thereof. I made this mistake two years ago and wound up working in a worm lab for about 38 cents an hour, where my responsibilities consisted of cleaning squalid glassware, taking out fetid biohazardous lab trash, and committing mass genocide of all the worms on a daily basis via autoclave — think oven meets gas chamber. Ironically, I was also the lab’s only Jew.
23. Get on the Statler sandwich lady’s bad side. She will put that guacamole in your wrap, even if you tell her not to.
24. Play DDR at Appel. Unless you don’t plan on ever having sex again, anyway.
25. Get so wasted that your friends call CUEMS to come and cart your drunk ass away. We will laugh hysterically when they make you go to BASICS for your “problem.”
26. Attend Slope Day sober. Especially if Ben Folds is playing.
27. Envy the other Ivies. To hell with what U.S. News says. Our campus is beautiful, our classes are great, and our students are — for the most part — cool. Visit Harvard for a while; you’ll see. Better yet, don’t. F@#% Hahvahd.
28. Take yourself too seriously. Throw away that highlighter, put down that orgo textbook, and smile! We’re in college.
Jackie Levin is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She can be reached at jl482@cornell.edu [1]. Everything In Its Right Place appears alternate Fridays.
Links:
[1] mailto:jl482@cornell.edu