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Discuss1. The Social Amnesiac
His Line: “Have we met before?”
Game: He will approach you at the bar, at the library, in a café and often in the street. He will seem relatively harmless, not entirely unattractive and somewhat entertaining. The problem is that he has hit on you 45 times and he never remembers you. The only explanation for this inexcusable behavior is that he hits on such a large number of women that it is impossible to remember individuals. This is what some term the “shotgun approach,” which is when a guy believes if he fires enough shots he’ll eventually hit something.
Perks: If you enjoy pretending you’re psychic, this guy is super fun to mess with. He follows the same game plan with any girl in any situation. First he asks you your name, then where you’re from, to spice it up he asks what you’re studying and then he tries to get your number. This pattern is never broken, thus making it very easy to answer his questions before he even asks them. I just say, “Claire, Los Angeles, English Literature, no.” It really throws him for a loop. Sometimes I just rattle off his 411, “Andrew, MBA student, Delaware, social amnesiac.”
Downside: His memory is so bad that he will never remember these interactions, and pretending to be psychic is only really fun the first or second time around. I tried to mortify him last Tuesday in Libe Café, when he approached me whilst flipping open his cell phone. I just said, “You’ve got to be kidding.” He inquired, “Have we met before?” I just walked away. Sadly, he is incapable of remembering anything, which reduces the delight of his public humiliation.
2. The Animal Science Major
His Line: “Want to play with my ferret?”
Game: He wins you over with his empathy for animals, trees and others (in that order). He is devoted to the 25 pets he has in his cramped one-bedroom apartment, which means he is not afraid of responsibility or commitment. Spending time with him encourages you to quit smoking, become vegan, help out at the local soup kitchen and burn all your furs. You can spend long evenings playing horseshoes in the back yard and counting fireflies.
Perks: He makes fabulous guacamole, chili and English-muffin pizzas. He has a heart of gold and the capacity to make you a better person (if that sort of thing appeals to you.)
Downside: His parrot gets more action from him than you do, he perpetually smells like a pet store and he may wear his Jesus-sandals in bed.
3. The Pretty Fly for a Freshman
His Line: “I have some champagne in my dorm room, and my mom just sent me some clean twin-extra-long sheets; I think they’re Sponge Bob.”
Game: He’ll take you back to his dorm room and proceed to woo you with his youthful enthusiasm. Unfortunately, he hasn’t the foggiest idea what to do with you, which makes him rather nervous. Most likely he will blast his stereo really loudly in your ear and proceed to do The Robot, wearing his flat brimmed hat backwards. His suburban bling and pasty white skin will simultaneously glisten under the horrendous florescent lighting. He may put on a movie, but because he forgot his ADD medication he will change the movie twenty times in the span of twenty minutes.
Perks: Eager to please and little to no baggage.
Downside: His dorm room is an atrocious mess, and if he’s going for you and you’re an older woman, he’s probably looking for a mother, not a lover.
4. The Over-sexed Grad Student
His Line: “Wanna see my hot tub?”
Game: Dapper dresser, as your mother would like to say, “a real go-getter,” entertaining, and has had some “real world” experience. He will win you with a wink and an over-bleached smile.
Perks: He’s marginally less immature than the undergrads, but it is a small step up. He may even buy you drinks and the occasional dinner, which is almost unheard of in college dating. There’s a chance that he will actually know what your talking about when you mention the ideas of literary theorists, or an article you’ve read in The New York Times.
Downside: Possible early onset of male-pattern-balding. Depending on his choice and dose of recreational drugs — potential impotency. He invariably has a girlfriend in the city. Her name is Ruth and she’s a linguist. It is impossible to compete with Ruth because you’re not just competing with another woman; you’re competing with a lifestyle. Ruth has Manhattan, her uncle’s house in the Hamptons and access to psychedelic narcotics on her side. Ruth provides an escape, and, as wonderful as you may be, you provide Ithaca, which he already has.
5. The Stage 5 Clinger
His Line: (heavy sigh, followed by meaningful look.)
Game: He regards a night out with you and 20 other people a sign that you’re dating. He will tell all your mutual acquaintances that you two are a bona fide couple, when you’ve never been on a single date nor give the slightest indication that you’re interested.
Perks: At the very least you have a devoted admirer.
Downside: He’s a total cock-block.
This article was originally “The Top Ten Men at Cornell Not to Date,” but it was too long, and my editor got mad at me. This article will be continued …
Claire Readhead is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She can be contacted at clr39@cornell.edu. Tarnishing the Tiara appears alternate Mondays.