It all started with an Instant Messenger away message -- some things are just that simple, other things just that stupid. "Check out this website; it's the funniest thing I've seen in my life." I clicked on the attached link and was transported to www.realultimatepower.net, The Official Ninja Webpage, and so began my magic-carpet ride into the sub-culture of Internet randomness.

Nothing is official about The Official Ninja Webpage; it doesn't even relate to real ninjas or martial arts. In fact, it's complete nonsense -- though it serves as a beacon for an underground Internet world that is sweeping across the East and West Coasts.

What is this website? A good question that I can't answer, so we'll let the page speak for itself. Here's an excerpt from the home page where the creator does his best to explain what ninjas are all about:

Hi, this site is all about ninjas, REAL NINJAS. This site is awesome. My name is Robert and I can't stop thinking about ninjas. These guys are cool; and by cool, I mean totally sweet.

Facts:

1. Ninjas are mammals.

2. Ninjas fight ALL the time.

3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.

Ridiculous? Hell yes. But that's what you have to love about it. I mean, who doesn't know that the ninja's purpose is to flip out and kill people? The rest of the site is constructed in a style consistent with this excerpt -- that is, everything else is just as absurd and amazing. Consider the testimonial, the site's mission statement, if you will:

Testimonial:

Ninjas can kill anyone they want! Ninjas cut off heads ALL the time and don't even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window.

And that's what I call REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alas, I am not the same Mark mentioned in the testimonial, though I wish I were. If we can learn one thing from this creed, it must be to never, ever drop a spoon or open a window. This manifesto is pretty typical of the rest of the site: from the various one-paragraph ninja screenplays to the completely un-factual "History of the Ninja" (in case you didn't know, in 3000 B.C. ninjas invented "magic spells for flying, sticking to walls, and bioslime").

The next logical question is: Who the hell made this, and why?!? Well, the author of the site, Robert Hamburger, does indulge us with an autobiography:

Robert Hamburger has a black belt in Street Fighter 2 and a second degree black belt in Mortal Kombat 1-3. He can kick or punch the wall without feeling pain. He has studied ninjas for several weeks and has watched a bunch of movies about them