According to general consensus, the Cold War ended when the Soviet Union collapsed. The falling of the Berlin Wall, red no longer being a "trendy" color, a lack of a good enemy in international espionage movies -- all signs point to communism no longer being a threat.


Technically, it shouldn't be all that bad if you belong to a communist or socialist party. You're no longer an enemy of the state, so you can go dig out that sickle from the back of the garage without fear of being "outed," right?


So, why are commies still so scary?


The allure of calling such government programs as socialized medicine and Ithaca Hours "pinko-commie propaganda provocateurs" is just too strong to resist. Once an enemy of democracy, always an enemy of democracy, I suppose. Ask Elia Kazan.


So, while we're theoretically all for the "free exchange of ideas" which is supposed to be an integral part of this campus, perhaps it's time to put our collective foot down.


What I'm referring to is a Mcarthy-type censorship of those Ho Plaza radicals forcing their socialist/Trotskyist theories on this investment banker-incubator called Cornell.


That's right. It's time to lay the proverbial bourgeois "smackdown" on the proletariat uprising invading our pristine campus.


"Would you like a socialist newspaper?" the unassuming and greying woman in front of Willard Straight asks students who dare to closely pass by her table parked surreptitiously in front of the prime example of a stifled free market: the campus store.


I cringe, trying to take a step backwards. Inherently, the words socialist remind me of Top Gun Migs flying overhead and Rocky V's Ivan Drago. (Remember, "I must break you.")


But, one must investigate, one must be impartial since we are a free and open society. A melting pot. The Cold War is over judging by the readily available supplies of Russian Vodka available at the Discount Beverage Center. Glasnost and McDonald's. Nothing scary at this pamphleteer's table.


But, perhaps that's not quite accurate. I scan the headlines, "Permanent Revolution vs. Bourgeois Nationalism," "The Nader Campaign and How Fake Socialists Undermine Fight for Worker's Party," "Black Democrats: Front Men for Racist Capitalist Rule" and most offensive of all, "The 'Date Rape' Issue: Feminist Hysteria, Anti-Sex Witchhunt." (Actually, I'm not sure if the headline is offensive or the fact that the paper it's from dates back to 1993 and they charged me a freakin' dollar for it.)


These are words of anger, words of hate for a system that has done most of the people here at Cornell fairly well. Ask the thousands of seniors who will flock to the Career Fair tomorrow and beg for jobs from corporations who can't wait to scoop up more future yuppies into their arms.


The bottom line is that Communism doesn't work. There's a reason why Cubans die in rafts trying to come to America. If there's one thing we learned from state-imposed socialism it's that there's no good fast food available. That is not an acceptable situation.


The socialist/Trotskyist woman tried to tell me that we'd all be better off after the worker's revolution when the means of production are controlled by the people. The people would then make decisions together and their collective happiness would magically increase productivity on a scale not imagined in even the most ruthless of corporate raider's wet dreams.


Of course, this plan denies the unerring cyclical nature of the economy (nothing stays good forever) and the fact that this revolution could never be a peaceful one. (I'm not fighting and I don't think most of my friends are, and as far as I can tell the Teamsters are pretty content with their current contracts.)


More importantly it denies the plain fact that "the people" are pretty stupid.


Think about group projects you've done or that annoying kid who always asks idiotic questions in section. You want him controlling the means of production?


I don't think so.


Things are going pretty well now. Even as we kneel before the almighty dollar and realize our subservience to the whims of frozen concentrated orange juice exchange, it's still better than the baggage traditionally attached to socialism, Marxism, Trotskyism, or any other ism that results from Russian socio-economic philosophy and too much Stolichnaya.


So, tell those pinko-commie Trotskyists to keep their revolutions to themselves because you're starting to get scared, as well you should. You've got dot-coms to send resumes to and no time for socializing industry.


I'll see you at the Career Fair.

Archived article by Jason Weinstein