Sorry, it’s been a while guys. But I’m back and better than ever! Although, I can’t say the same for our beloved show ... Writers, please just kill off Serena already. She’s so annoying.

Our story opens with Chuck, banging his dead father’s rival’s daughter, Raina (Tika Sumpter) … sounds like a great idea, Chuck, considering her old man is trying to dismantle your father’s legacy. No big deal. Blair is starting an internship, and Dan is starting an internship! And they’re maintaining the façade, pretending to be friends and seeing movies in secret.

In van der Woodsen world, Serena and Eric are still ignoring Lily for trying to fuck up Ben’s life. And Eric is staying over with Damien, the drug dealer who sold Juliet the pills she used on S! Is Damien gay? And Ben tells Serena that he’s moving away to an organic farm in Ithaca! Cue all the townie, hippie, pot-smoking jokes. Maybe he can take Serena with him?

By some miracle of events, Dan and Blair are working together at the fashion magazine, W! Blair turns to her scheming ways to rise up in the ranks while Dan works hard, earning rewards for his different approach. He is more of a literary character after all.

Jonathan (Eric’s ex) stops by to see Eric, and he runs into Lily instead. He inadvertently reveals to Lily that Eric has lied about where he’s been spending his nights. Eric had been telling Lily he had been staying with Elliot, his current boyfriend, except apparently they’ve broken up! Lily is upset, but Eric gives her a snappy remark about keeping secrets from family members to shut her up. Jonathan then makes plans with Eric to go to the W. Magazine party.

Nate’s dad gets a job with Russell Thorpe. Nate and Chuck are convinced that Thorpe hired him in order to screw over Bass Industries. Chuck tries to ask Raina to fire Papa Archibald, but obviously that backfires. Nate and Papa then have dramz. Papa Archibald then, in my personal favorite line of the episode, tells Natey-poo that he’d rather live in a halfway house than with someone who halfway trusted him.

Apparently, Benny-poo isn’t actually going to Ithaca. Sad face. It was just Lily trying to pay him off to leave her family alone!

Blair and Dan are still competing to be the best interns at W. They decide to see who can bring the best author to the party, but agree to not sabotage each other. B. wants to sabotage D.’s author. And since D. thinks B. will be sabotaging him, he sabotages her. One big screwy mess!

At the W. party, Blair’s author never shows up because Dan sabotaged her. However, she didn’t sabotage Dan. Awkward. They then fight, and end up embarrassing themselves and the whole magazine … who prompt fire both interns. Oopsies. Apparently bosses don’t like interns that roll around on the floor at their fancy parties. Who knew?

Serena catches Eric buying drugs from Damien, so as a cover, Damien pretends he and Eric are now dating. Eric then confronts Serena because everyone’s been so caught up in her dramz dramz DRAMZ that they’ve been ignoring him. So, he turned to Damien’s drugs. Oh no! Ben then gives Eric really good cheesy advice and all is well … ish.

Serena then has a DEEP MEANINGFUL conversation with Ben, where he tells her that he doesn’t want to be with her, so she needs to stay away from him. Lol. What a liar! He lubbs her.

Back at the W. offices, Blair and Dan are packing up their things. Blair tells Dan how she got the job on her own (slightly stalker-ish) merits, which makes Dan feel like shit about sabotaging her. Dan then gets B. her job back by telling the boss it was all his doing.  Awww. Cute.

Rufus offers Ben a room in the loft as per Serena’s suggestion so that he can start over.

Nate’s father leaves the hotel after being betrayed by his son. He then tells Russell Thorpe that he now has no internal conflicts or qualms about working with the company. Bye-bye Bass Enterprises! It was a good run.

Chuck wants to keep seeing (Cough, cough. Sleeping with. Cough, cough.) Raina Thorpe. She happily agrees to, as long as he stays out of her business. But like, legit business.

Ben threatens Damien in a cafe to stay away from the van der Woodsens … It looks like someone learned something in prison!

Except, Benny doesn’t exactly understand Upper East Side politics, so the second he leaves, Damien makes plans to hang out with Eric. I guess he doesn’t heed warnings very well ...