Libra (September 22 — October 22): This week, you will act like a big man, which means you’ll just sit and be big.

Scorpio (October 23 — November 21): This week, you will cut out all the exclamation points in your life. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke!

Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21): This week, your vitality shows in not only your ability to persist, but your ability to start over.

Capricorn (December 22 — January 19):  This week, you may risk brain damage by doing something stupid. Again.

Aquarius (January 20 — February 18): Lately, your youth has been a dream, a form of chemical madness. Don’t let them drag you to rehab just yet.

Pisces (February 19 — March 20): This week, you will find that there is nothing more obnoxious then other people’s luck.

Aries (March 21 — April 19): This week, when everyone is putting their earplugs in, you’ll be taking them out. Rock on.

Taurus (April 20 — May 20): Just say yes.

Gemini (May 21 — June 20): Lately, you have found that hard work is like swimming under water and holding your breath. That is, until you get a snorkeling mask. Then you’re good to go.

Cancer (June 21 — July 22): If action is character, then you will come off as the beloved sidekick.

Leo (July 22 — August 22): This week, you’ll find that it’s best to play your cards as carefully as if you were plain.

Virgo (August 23 — September 22): This week, don’t confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.