Welcome, ladies and gents, children of all ages, to this week’s Lost recap.

We cold open the episode in off-island suburbia, indicating a flash-sideways. After an epic shot of (the real) John Locke contemplatively emerging from his handicapable van, he falls forward in a misguided attempt to hop down from his stalled wheelchair ramp just in time to be attacked by the sprinkler. Don’t worry though, cause Helen’s on the case. At this point, Katey Segal’s character rescues Locke both literally and metaphorically; her presence means she never left him in this butterfly-effected universe, something we (the Locke-pitying audience) can approve of after his journey from First Season Badass to the guy in the coffin (aka the ultimate pawn).

As John chooses between light and dark fabric swatches for his imminent wedding with Helen (echoing Locke’s backgammon speech from the show’s first episode, as well the Unlocke and Jacob’s “inside joke” from later in the episode), we learn of another important change in the alternate universe: Locke’s father, aka Anthony Cooper, aka con man Tom Sawyer (who ruined young James Ford’s life in our primary universe), is still in the picture, and probably not as an evil con-man. The evidence? One: Papa Locke’s presence in John’s life means he probably didn’t scam him out of a kidney / paralyze him. Two: happy-go-lucky, flash-sideways Sawyer in the season premiere indicated a much less demon-filled past, possibly pointing to Papa Locke’s innocence. In that case, how was John Locke paralyzed? And was being stuck in a wheelchair always his destiny?

Butterfly effect be damned: a few other things don’t change in the flash sideways including the attitude of Randy Nations, Hurley’s prick of a former boss turned employee-cum-Locke’s boss. Randy’s still just as nasty, mocking Col. Locke for his penchant for strategy games and firing him after revealing that Locke attempted his failed walkabout on the company’s dime. In doing so, Locke ignored a conference he was supposed to attend. Whatever, responsibility; Flash-sideways Hurley (our luckiest man alive – sick shot when he points out the handicapped spot stubborn ole’ Locke ignored) will obviously hook Locke up with his temp agency. And just whom does he employ there? No, not Lynn Karnoff (a little excessive on the parallel tip, Darlton), but Rose Nadler! One “don’t tell me what I can’t do” and one rebuff / confidence-building talk (and three sick dolly shots) later, and the former Stepfather is now The Substitute. Soon enough we learn the reason: to meet Sidewayz Ben! And he’s still a bitch! And he teaches Euro! He so would. [Ed: And thus why I never took it in high school. - Julie)

Let’s take a look at the Island, or what I call “what’s actually happening.” Nice Smokey POV shot, careening through the jungle, stopping in New Otherton to briefly note some Stooges emanating from Sawyer’s old digs, and continuing through the brush only to stop at an appropriately menacing blade and transform into Blocke aka Flocke aka Unlocke. Brief aside — Unlocke’s later talk with Sawyer about said house was appropriately epic: “This isn’t your house James, you just lived here for a while. This was never your house.” On second listen, one has to wonder whose house it might then be.

Another brief aside: Who was the single most intriguing character first season? John Locke. And the single most intriguing mystery? The smoke monster. Fast forward to the final season and here we are with the perfect parallel — arguably the two most badass aspects of the show from episode one, fused into one vengeful island deity. And what an informative deity he is, giving us quite the mythology update in Jacob’s cave: The numbers (4 8 15 16 23 42, along with many, many more) are assigned to “candidates” or “substitutes” for Jacob’s replacement. Apparently, our six favorite numbers are assigned to the only candidates left (Kate being the only main castaway unrepresented). This reveal was supposed to rival in narrative weight the moment when Des told us he was the one who pulled 815 to the ground; for me, it didn’t, and probably won’t until the details behind the chess game that has been Lost play out over the next handful of episodes.

But what of Richard Alpert? Lost addicts used to pick apart his every word for answers to the island’s various mysteries, but with Unlocke in the picture, Richard has been reduced to the role of unknowing pawn. His inability to see the blustering blonde boy (more on him later), along with his capture by Blocke (the deadliest game?) and subsequent fear-of-God in his eyes when talking to Sawyer reinforced his lack of omniscience and importance regarding our current, super-wide island mythology level of abstraction.

I also truly appreciated the various parallels going on during the Sawyer / Unlocke Of Mice and Men sequence. On one hand, the scene played out similar to that of Blocke convincing (recruiting?) Sawyer to kill Papa Locke; on the other, it echoed Sawyer’s various long cons throughout the series. Flocke is obviously stringing Sawyer along with the possibility of getting off the damned island, waiting for the right moment to spring the crucial favor that’ll morally entangle Sawyer in the island deities’ epic endgame ... or kill James Ford and cross his name off Jacob’s cavern of awesomeness (which is down Jacob’s ladder, dummies) for good.

And finally, what to say of Lil’ Blondie (who may be Young Jacob or Older Aaron)? Bloody at first, clean later, possibly due to a detour at the Temple’s Fountain of Youth? Sawyer and Blocke see him, but Richard doesn’t; presumably only candidates can see the young (re?)-incarnation. If you want anything further resembling answers to this amazing nonsense (and maybe another line or two from Jeff Fahey or Ken Leung), remember to tune in to ABC tonight as we trudge one episode closer to Dharmageddon. And for those of you interested in where I source (aka steal) this bad boy, check out Jeff Jensen’s recaps on EW.com, Slate’s three-part TV Club recaps, and NYMag’s Lost coverage on Vulture.

[Ed.: Plagiarism. Always awesome. - Julie]