After a two-month hiatus, still lacking any thoughts about anything interesting or significant, we turned to the obvious wisdom mecca of the top 40. Then, once everybody was crunk (crunk) and the boyz tried to touch our junk (junk?) we came upon Taylor Swift’s “Fifteen,” or “A Veritable Goldmine of Insights Some of Us Have Still Yet to Learn.” And this got us thinking about all the things we wish we had known when we were 15, or when we were 18, or when you were 18, or yesterday when you J’d in your P’s.

If you’ve read our super-genius columns before, you know all too well how we feel about frat stars and biddies and those of you who have, at times, peed on the floor (YES YOU!!!). If you were a human, we’d call you a human and not a biddy. Hence the beauty of word choice. But as much as we deplore and endlessly mock whoring and not using a c or bcp’s or Plan B’s, we don’t want to discourage having fun and getting crunk and touching some junk…

R: L’ing the abbrevs.

So long as the whore-chain doesn’t end with a clap-ademic or a long-ass line of bitches waiting to cry in the bathroom because they let some superbro put his p in their b and never called (we have to go to the bathroom too!)

R: I don’t want to pee in my p’s!

If you’re down for some anonymous p in the v, we get it we got it we do it (eh). But there’s some risk in getting risqué, beyond the usual herps and “abnormal parasites”

R: fetii?

R: but not so fun. (you see what I just did there?)

…Meaning, freaky-ass shit and a generally bad time. For example, once upon a time, (two days ago) our friend, who we’ll call “K” had an unfortunate rendez-vous with a seven-foot tall cro-magnon (NOT THAT ONE!) whose disappointingly disproportionate p couldn’t rise to the occasion. And adding serious, literal injury to insult, his f in the v capabilities were even more poorly endowed.

R: small hands?

I believe the word “scraping” was used.

R: oh.

And the ONE good thing about f in the v, fingerbangin, or “fingy-fingy” as our friend “Not Jen” so affectionately calls it

S: that’s what a pedophile would call it.

Is that you don’t have to worry about the big A. Because lets face it, most of your techniques barely rival a pencil stabbing to the crotch. Hint: if you “come hither,” we might too.

But if you don’t get the hint, maybe refrain from f in the v all together? As someone who definitely is not R once discovered, when a guy gets so excited about f in the v that he literally j’s in his p’s, it’s fucking weird. It’s. Fucking. Weird.

And as someone else who definitely is also not R (or anyone we know) independently discovered, that even a second of m on the p can elicit a lot of j on the d (dress). And no amount of dry-cleaning can erase the jizzlers of drunken winter’s past.

R: IS THAT WHY YOU GAVE ME THAT DRESS?

And sometimes the nightmare continues: even after gynological exams and pre-jax, sometimes these douchebitches are as hard to get rid of as the herpes and babies they may have given you. Sometimes they want to SPOON! If you have bits of our reproductive systems stuck under your fingernails, it’s safe to say we want you the fuck out of our house.

R: my v just crept up into my body

R: your v wasn’t in your body?

R: yours was?

Hooking up shouldn’t be like a trip to the gyno or Pompeii.

R: too soon?

R: too late.

What we’ve learned is that unfortunately these horror stories are a dime a dozen, and more often than not, one night stands end considerably less pleasurably than we expect or hope. Given the general skill set of the men on this campus (sorry frat stars), if you’re gonna do the whole get-low-with-a-rando thing, you either need to lower your expectations or be prepared to be vocal about what you like and don’t like. Isn’t the point of sex (particularly random, anonymous sex) to feel good? If you feel like you’re getting stabbed with a pencil, don’t just lie there and take it!

Obviously, be smart and be safe. If you find yourself walking home, drunk and alone, and someone pops out of a nearby bush and proposes a little game of fingy fingy, say: later dude! S yourself in the A, if you don’t wear a C then J all over your B’s. Then run.

R: I just vomited.