Good Evening Ladies and Gents. Can you believe it? I mean, CAN you believe it!? This recap is, without fail, going to be published in a timely manner. So take that, ye of little patience. Moving on. Last week on The Show You Probably Just Missed to Wait in Line at the Cineplex for the Bipedal Sparklers: The gals got used and abused by a dead witch. Stefan and Damon decided to seek their fortunes at other institutions of lower learning. Katherine the Worst did NOT return, leaving Damon to become even more pathetic than usual. And Matt and the Cheerster got adorable in away that did not, in fact, make me throw up in mouth, not even a little. C’est un miracle! You’re right, invisible friend Pierre. It was.

Oh yeah, and that dude who burned auntie-desperate grew some fangs!

So, that guy has the nerve to show up at the poor sweet lady’s door and he’s all like: “baby you know u my world!” Also, “you was also my bitch, so do what I SAY, or imma bite you!”

Doormat D must have sensed the bloodlust because she went and picked some self-worth out of the trash, dusted it off and put her foot down. I was greatly moved by her personal struggle. Unfortunately for other dumbitches who are apt to succumb to the wiles of local TV-personalities, Logan is released back into the wild. Wouldn’t you know it? He finds one of those DBs right outside the door, and now, her soul rests in Hades (New Jersey) in the barren trash-filled area reserved for fictional spirits.

Bookish Baby J gets a voiceover! He’s deep into his papa’s family archives, and it’s pretty safe for the faint of heart. Nonetheless the tales of darkness and death appeal to the Young Turk and he takes to his sketchpad to illustrate the words of some “lunatic” ancestor. The boy is an artiste, wunderbar! Having generally been over the disaffected youth since 30 B.C., I’m gratified by this change in BBJ, especially because, as TV brain alterations have in the past, it’s going to blow up in everyone’s faces, probs, oh boy!

Stefan and Damon are wondering where oh where to fly. Damon wants lil bro to accompany him as he is a particularly sad and lonely fool. Stefan refuses on principle or some other thing. Big bro is a murderer after all.

Alas! The sheriff shows up requesting Damon’s assistance in tracking down the as-yet unidentified new vampire, since the Scooby Gang chapter of Mystic Falls is an epic fail. Now, because Stefan is a particularly ponderous and self-righteous fool, he has to stay to protect his woman. He immediately runs to Elena to spread the news of the new villain. She’s more intrigued by the prospect of him staying than by the new murderer, but, as the young girls say: having a boyfriend is worth any number of homicides.

Cheery and Sleepy are having sleepovers now. This friendship continues to be AWESOME.

Elena finally can chat about her vampire-related issues with Bonnie. They walk down the hall discussing futures and things. There is a career fair happening at their high school. This feels like an underhanded message to the American youth to obtain life plans and I object! I’m not gonna get one of those till I’m at least 162. At any rate, this offers Bonnie the opportunity to point out that Elena may have little future with Stefan. I remain uninterested. [Julie: Uninterested? Disinterested? Professor Kramnick, where are you when we need you?!]

Meanwhile, Damon has used cheer-slave and the silly pocket-watch of yesteryear to find the be-fanged Logan. He happens to be holed up in a warehouse with a bunch of dead victims. Gruesome, now we’re talking! Then, he shoots Damon with a bunch of wooden bullets, the foresight! He’s got questions. We all do (why are we here and where did all the bees go?). No one anticipated his transformation, and it appears that neither Damon nor Stefan is responsible for his ingestion of hazardous vampire materials.

Unfortunately, with this fun shooting and body piling, we get some more of this show’s vampire lore. Any of the emotions one suffers from in life, persist into one’s life as a vampire. Thus, Logan just needs to get back with the ol’ auntie. He wants to bite things and murder things and be raucous and roughhouse, and be a general n’er do well. This whole scene made me feel a little bit like we were watching Big: the 20-something years. Sad-face Logan who got buried alive wants to know how to be a day-walker, but Damon isn’t telling. Stupid-face Logan is though. He tells Damon all about the journals of the Founding fools and some other stuff that Villains probably shouldn’t be blathering on about.

At the Career fair...

Tyler’s Daddy, the Mayor, is leaning on his underlings to bring in the culprits, apparently not realizing that they are incompetent and gullible. We discover that Tyler is secretly an artiste too! Matt wanted to be an astronaut when he was three (So did I! and ... a lot of other people) and still has no chemistry with the chic he was supposedly in love with for many a year (Cheery and Matty forever!). Stefan is “looking out” for Elena at the Career Fair (gross). He wanted to be a doctor. I still want to meet aliens. [Julie: Speaking of, I hear there’s a Masters program on the Moon: MA in TARDIS Steering/Companionship.] So Mick was right, we can’t all get what we want, can we L. All this future-talk reminds Elena that Stefan can’t really be her b-friend. Still, I am uninterested. I am however, still interested in aliens.

The Fell who Fells (people) shows up at the fair, because that is the hot spot on this particular evening or, “the new bowling.” Speaking as someone who is presently taking a bowling class, I say that is a travesty because bowling is legit. Elena gets scared and Stefan attempts to threaten the silly man. But who cares anyway, because new teach arrives and he looks nice.

Logan is on a mad confrontational spree, making sure to spend some time on the goodly sheriff, who doesn’t steel money from the poors but definitely oppresses her child pretty well. In other tales of the young fooligans, BBJ is all about helping out his buddy Tyler, now that he’s learned that the latter has some artistic skillz. Unfortunately, Ty is also oppressed by mad daddy Mayor, and chooses instead to lash out with mean words about Vicky the vic, remember that slut?! A tussle ensues, and MDM takes them outside, so they can, literally, take it outside. I’ve always thought parents should encourage more violent behavior in their kids, just like they should teach them public nudity and drunkenness. It’s really a shame that no one listens to my sage advice. New teach intervenes in this lesson learning, pissing off the MDM but also scaring the pants off him, so Tyler and BBJ escape with their noses unbroken for another day. BBJ tries again to reach out to his stupid compatriot; aaaaaaaaaaaand now he gets a bloody nose. Tyler is confused and doesn’t know what’s wrong with his own brain. Could it be that he needs to get some love from his discipline Daddy? Seriously, I’m not even a Psych major folks. I just take this from my head.

Meanwhile, Caroline the perpetual vampire victim, ends up passed out with a head-wound in the passenger seat of Logan’s car. The horrors! Thankfully, Stefan and Damon, temporarily united, send some bullets that guy’s way, but don’t kill him. Caroline lives to be victimized another day, as does Logan for the minute. He lures pathetic Damon in by informing him that he knows another way to get at the “mystical holding cell” imprisoning his lost lady.

Stefan and Elena chat a bit in the car about how they can’t be together or some such nonsense, so naturally they get together. On to the ...”vamp sex?” Don’t have much to say about this except: boring, way too long, stupidly genteel and it employed pretty much the worst sex music in the whole world — worse than ironically listening to “Faded,” worse even than Juno-style indie melodies, worse than ambient noise, worse than jug-band music, worse than any music that has been played behind any PG sex ever, ever, ever.

Onto some interesting events:

Alaric, whom I suspect of being a fanged person, finds Logan in a parking lot! They exchange some threats, and Alaric says that he’s “not a violent guy by design,” but he needs to protect sad Jenna! Logan goes in for the bite but teach is too quick and stakes him! This is cool! Is he some sort of Slayer character? OR is he a self-hater? I would actually like to know!?

Matt comes out of the closet to oppressed child Tyler about his fuzzy feelings for other oppressed child Caroline, who, after being nearly eaten by gross skeazy TV man is finally getting some nice attention from momster (while she’s asleep obvs). The mommy-time is short-lived because she rushes out to thank Damon for teach’s handiwork. Everyone’s confused!

After-glow in conventional/maudlin-land is at hand and Stefan is telling Elena about the many memories his room holds —LIKE the picture of his girlfriend’s centuries old clone, replicant, time-traveling robot twin, ancestor, gene-therapy donor, cylon, doppelganger. I mean. Come. The Fuck. On. Stefan goes to get Elena a drink; she sees it and flees like a big girl without speaking to him!

Then, because bad things happen to those who don’t communicate openly in their relationships (I mean dummies who drive emotionally in a vampire town in the middle of the night), Elena’s car is overturned by a one such dude chillin in the middle of the road. This is sad; the road is for doing it. It’s a place for lovers not killers. [Julie: Wha? Since when?] So Elena’s in trouble, crying and trapped in a car, the guy snaps all his joints into place and then comes TOWARD HER AND THEN!

The End

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