Apparently, there is some kind of camp code concerning New England vampires. When they get a little testy and out of control, some invisible camp counsellorship sticks them in a room with some plant things, so they will mummify and then turn into “living corpses” (except still-dead corpses, so just a dried-out corpses ... GROSS)! Didn’t you know?

Last Time:

-Whining

-More Whining

-Silliness

-Nice vamp spikes bad vamps creepy cheerleader with some stuff

-Bad vamp is sad and languishing in a dungeon with aforementioned stuff

Apparently, there is some kind of camp code concerning New England vampires. When they get a little testy and out of control, some invisible camp counsellorship sticks them in a room with some plant things, so they will mummify and then turn into “living corpses” (except still-dead corpses, so just a dried-out corpses ... GROSS)! Didn’t you know?

Cue Elena waking up to “girl waking up in morning music” in “conventional girl bedroom.” Horrors! She finds her delinquent brother’s older cougar gal in the bathroom. Oh, the shame. Unfit step-mom cares not! How progressive. Little bro uses an “I’m getting laid face” and, shockingly, it passes for acting. As it has become the tradition in The Vampire Diaries, massive exposition precedes boring plot developments. Elena continues blah-blah-blahing about some message good vamp left on her mobile device. Shock number 1. Vampires are bad at communication. Shock number 2! Vampires may be having difficulty operating cellular devices.

Having decided to NOT be sad, Elena becomes an emancipated woman! Instead of writing in her diary she decides to go out and live life. Thus, we were saved from another voiceover. In other news, Creepy Cheerleader (Caroline) continues to be weirded out by all of this biting and misremembering! She decides to carry on with live as well, focusing on a high school car wash: “I want in-your-face sexy, I mean it’s a fundraiser for god’s sake.”

Damon is still languishing in family jail so we are denied the amusement of seeing the only remotely experienced actor do anything this week except engage in a little family horseplay. “Nephew” Zach gets a little over-confident and is consequently strangled ... how droll.

Elena and Stefan continue to play high school Barbie. Elena chats with her ex about Stefan. He has a man crush, cute! Stefan plays football good and stuff, and can read other stuff well too. Cool! Yet, he arrives late to Pizza! What gumption!

Suddenly an actual plot twist occurs? A super old dude recognizes Stefan! The mask starts to pull away. Oh wait, but everyone in this town is an idiot, so his mystery is safe. No word yet on the recently-revealed cabal, which seems to know about the brothers and their vampirism.

I spoke too soon. The cabal assembles! The sheriff and newsmanchu are looking for people who only go out at night. FOILED AGAIN, pesky humans! These modern-type vamps have cool ringz that let them go out in the sun. Not only that! Vampires can cook? Why does his digestive system work? Why can he drink booze? Why does he proclaim to enjoy Miley Cyrus? Humanity will never know.

The episode continues with little bro and old cougar getting together in the woods to do some drugs. The “druid” is being forced to mop up water. And Stefan and Elena are in a kitchen with lots of knives. So the stage is set for actual developments!

1. Elena cuts her finger, and Stefan’s face goes all vampy! Add this to her suspicion about the silly ringz and lack of family background and she finally starts to think that something creepy may be happening with her translucent boy-toy.

2. Damon escapes! Having strangled his “nephew” and using a kind of telepathy on creepy cheerleader, he decides to murder cougar gal. Poor little bro will no longer be getting laid.

3. Twitchy-Whitchy finally realizes that she can light things on fire and that is super cool!

The episode ends with Elena using newsmanchu to check out some old newsreels. She discovers that her boyfriend, who never gets hurt, is pale as whitewash, and wears silly 18th century jewelry, is (awe!) perhaps a supernatural being? Damon reminds us why might continue watching this show. It’s for gems like this

“You bit me!”

“You liked it, remember!”

And

“What are you?"

Yes, indeed. What are you Vampire Diaries? We cannot know just yet. Your plot is ridiculous but your dialogue and take on vampire-lore are amusing! I say continue watching if you like absurd television and pretty blue eyes.

Till next week!

Anne (of the Slope) Rice