As the news about the economy gets worse and worse, it seems increasingly likely that we’re headed for a repeat of the 1930s: jobs disappearing, houses being seized, millions wandering the nation despondent and hopeless. So just as we had to rename the Great War, we may soon find ourselves calling the ’30s “The First Depression.”

And thus a few weeks ago I started making contingency plans. As my six months in the Boy Scouts taught me, it always counts to be prepared, and when the econopalypse strikes I want to be ready.

The problem is, I’m not sure how realistic my ideas are. At first I planned on fleeing the country, which always seems like a solid plan in time of crisis. Hell, it used to be a good idea even in the best years: look at all those Americans who decamped to Paris in the early part of the twentieth century and lived like kings. For the equivalent of 30 cents they could get a steak dinner and a bottle of red wine at a decent restaurant — cheaper than small fries at McDonald’s. What’s not to love?

But the whole globalization thing has kind of taken the gas out of that one. As goes America, so goes Europe, and now the dollar’s not worth jack. Unless I want to pass my twenties in Mongolia, emigration is off the list.

The next thing I thought of was getting a government handout. During the Great Depression Roosevelt set up a whole series of public works projects that gave relief to the millions of unemployed men roaming the countryside, including the famed Federal Writers Project. Under the FWP, thousands of young literary types were paid to travel around the country and describe the places they saw — perfect for impractical humanities majors like myself.

The problem here, though, is the Internet, that amorphous little beast that shares information for free and enrages journalists and publishers everywhere. What’s the point of buying a travel guide when you can just log onto Wikipedia? Not to mention that books are way out of vogue these days. So I’m stumped by modernization again.

My last great idea — and I still haven’t totally lost faith in this one — is to go into a life of crime. Consider the biggest names of the thirties: Bonnie and Clyde, Al Capone, Lucky Luciano. They all carried guns and ran from the coppers. Aided by Prohibition, these gangsters and ne’er-do-wells thrived while others starved. I figured I might start a little drug cartel and see how things go: I’d run a clean business, not killing or maiming more than was necessary, and keeping my name free from suspicion. I think I’d do quite well, really—after all, people turn to drugs when they’re upset, and there’s going to be a whole lot of upset-ness in the coming years. Seems like a safe bet.

But what’s that they say? “If you commit a crime, be ready to do the time.” And I am not, alas, capable of spending time in prison. My mental well-being, not to mention that of certain other areas of my body, depends on a violation-free environment. So I’m back at square one, and the depression’s got me depressed.

Maybe this calls for communal action. We got out of the last depression by getting into World War II, so maybe we could start a global conflict and hope the economy is saved that way. Russia would be a bit too messy with all those nukes and Iran is just too cliché, but perhaps we could go at it with Canada — what with Canadian Bacon and South Park: The Movie, we’ve already rehearsed it enough times. Sounds promising.

The world might be a bit turned off the whole “America goes to war thing,” though. Bush and his cronies have painted us into a corner where we probably won’t be able to stage a good old invasion for another twenty years or so without sparking a big backlash, and a war’s no fun unless you’ve got allies. Damn.

How about this whole green technology thing, then? The likes of Thomas Friedman and Barack Obama have been sounding off about it for some time now, and they seem to think it’s the industry of the future. Should we invest our efforts there and hope that classic American ingenuity gets it done?

Perhaps … but wait — I’ve just had a thought. What type of person never has to get a job and often gets paid to do whatever they want? Graduate students, that’s who!

And so I’ve found my path, and my economic worries are allayed. If you want to weather the depression, don’t be a fool: stay in school.