Before I begin this, I would first like to respond to all my detractors from two weeks ago. Yes, the Ron Paul folks sent me countless emails and left countless more comments on cornellsun.com. Although I was tempted to just print the same column again, to drive home a point, I instead decided to do some research and “oil my gears with the truth.” The conclusion? They have an agenda and I don’t. And who was that guy who wrote to me that, “as a senior citizen and an observer of economic trends over the last 45 years … [more libertarian agenda]”? Was that you, Dr. Paul? I looked it up and 45 years is actually about how long Ron Paul has been claiming to understand the economy. Ron Paulites, you made this personal. Now, it’s on.

Anyway, last Friday, both presidential nominees appeared at the Alfred Smith Memorial dinner, as is tradition, where they “roasted” each other. In other words, they punched each other, and at times, themselves, in the balls. They did so freely and without consequence. Personally, I’d have to say that McCain was the better ball puncher (“My opponent has a pet name for me: George Bush”). However, in the grand scheme of things, I would still like Obama to be the one who ends up punching the great American nut-sack (“I got my middle name from someone who obviously didn’t think I’d ever run for president,” he joked).

This kind of high brow humor wasn’t aimed at Joe the Plumber, drinking his six-pack at home. McCain even avoided making any hilarious racial jabs, which leads me to believe he didn’t write his own jokes. All in all, the event was an awesome conclusion to this crap-smearing competition which is the ultimate declaration of American rights. I’m pretty sure I saw Obama wipe sweat from his brow with his middle finger at one point. It was as if for half an hour, both Obama and McCain stopped pretending that they actually believed in buzzwords like “Maverick,” “Hope,” “Change,” and even “Country First.” It really brought them both down to Earth. Of course, come Monday they will be both polling for “change” and “real change”, although I forget who wants which. Their ability to take themselves seriously when, as evidenced by the “Yo-Mama” contest and the final debate, they too find the taste of their own bullshit disgusting, is quite admirable. At the debate last Wednesday, each candidate attempted to smirk his way to the top. Instead of looking smug, a little respect would have been nice to see. A little substance would have been great too, although I can understand if they were too busy writing down one-liners to use at the “roast” to take notes.

Throughout the debates, there’s been a lot of pandering, specifically on the topic of “stabilizing” home prices. I’m pretty sure it was McCain who first proposed “stabilizing” home prices (read: keeping prices at an inflated level). Obama wants the same, though whether it is because he is aware that he will lose votes if he proactively tells Americans he wants the value of the most important investment they ever made to go down, or because he actually believes “stabilizing” house prices is a good idea, I don’t know. Personally, I don’t think inflating the value of home prices is such a great idea. Sure, the guys on Wall Street have proven to us that they weren’t exactly at the tops of their Ivy League classes, but I don’t think they’ll fall for the McCain-Obama trick which is basically, “Hey. Remember all that stuff that cost you your job because it was overvalued? Would you like to buy it again at the same price? No? Wow. We were really hoping you’d say yes. Well, it’s not really a big deal. We’ll just get non-homeowners to pay taxes to make sure homeowners maintain a comfortable standard of living.” There’s a difference between buying some mortgages to save banks (what the bailout will do), and buying every single mortgage whose value is greater than the value of the home (what “price stabilization” means). A plan like this would kick every family who doesn’t own a home in the face, by keeping home values too high, and also in the nuts, by taxing them extra. On the plus side, it brings in votes, since most of America owns a home. Once I figure out how that last part helps me, I’ll get back to you.

I would have liked to see this issue fleshed out in more detail, particularly because I hold in my hands right now an absentee ballot and I have no idea what to do with it. Should I vote for the guy who associates with domestic terrorists? Or should I vote for the guy who associates with domestic terrorists? I can’t vote on the basis of an economic plan, because, at least from what I’ve gathered from their comic stylings, they both have the same one, which is going to change anyway. And let’s face it, providing health care to everyone should probably take a back seat when we’re not going to be able to fund the health care we already provide (Medicare and Medicaid) for much longer.

For some reason, between Obama doing freestyle battle with his opponent and the real Sarah Palin bobbing her head to a stupid rap on SNL, I am not convinced any of them is fit to lead the nation. It almost makes me wish Ron Paul was on the ticket. Almost.

Yevgeniy Feldman is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at yfeldman@cornellsun.com. That Really Grinds My Gears appears alternate Mondays.