The full text of this article, with the handwritten notes of Sarah Heath Palin, Queen of the Polar Bears, can be accessed via the PDF under "Today's Covers" on the right side of the front page of cornellsun.com

Editor’s Note: Two weeks ago, the Conference of Presidents of Major Jewish Organizations planned a Stop Iran Now rally in New York City. Both Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin were invited; Ms. Clinton pulled out of the event when she heard news of Ms. Palin’s acceptance. This spurred jstreet.org, a “pro-Israel, pro-peace” organization, to arrange an online petition, writing that “a unity rally to express communal solidarity is no place for partisan politics…to give such prominence to Sarah Palin alone would have spoken neither to, nor for, the American Jewish community.” Two days and 20,000 signatures later, Sarah Palin was disinvited. Not to be deterred, I paid off the Palin camp to get my hands on this original copy of her speech and notes to self.

Shalom!

I’m so happy to be here today talking to you today, right before a holiday called Rosh Hashana! You know, John and I were just speaking, and he told me that apparently on Rosh Hashana you use something called a shofar that makes a loud noise. And it’s made from ram horns! Well, to show you all how committed I am to the Jewish Tradition, I have officially volunteered to hunt all the rams and make the shofars myself!

In all seriousness, we’re here to talk about President Ahmadinejad. Well, I can tell ya, from the offset I just don’t like the name. I don’t like strange-sounding names. Durka Durka Mohamad Jihad. Barack Hussein Obama. It’s only okay if the strange names are my children’s!

Speaking of my kids, the other day while Trig was sitting on my lap nursing, I called up Tzipi Lipni to congratulate her on her election. I told her that I thought oh boy, that I was a lipsticked pitbull, but she really is one! When I am elected Vice President, around the same time Tzipi forms her government, we’re gonna form a coalition of Powerful Female Pitbulls and be best friends. I’m going to teach her how to play hockey, and she is going to teach me how to speak Jewish.

You know, many people are knocking my foreign experience. These naysayers, so very afraid of change, tried to kick me out of coming to this rally today! They even tried to bribe me not to come. Yes, it’s true. I told them “thanks, but no thanks.” It is my duty to talk about Israel!

The situation between Israel and its neighbors, the Pakistanis, is really very sad. You know, I can relate to this kind of bickerin. It just happens sometimes when you’re in a space with too many people crammin for one thing. But I’ve thought of a solution. In Alaska, we have too much land with too few people, the opposite situation as Israel! Why don’t we take the Arabs, ship ‘em to Alaska, and use their expertise in the oil industry to help start our own drilling project there? That way Israel will be safe and America will be oil-independent!

Barack Obama said that he first learned about Jewish people from his counselor in camp. Well, Barack, I’ve gotcha beat. I first learned about Jewish people from The Bible. Maybe Barack’s never heard of that book, but I have to say, I’ve been a really big fan of your religion ever since. And in terms of Israel, well, just as Iraq was a mission from God, so is protecting Israel. I hope to visit it some day soon, maybe on my second trip ever out of North America. Until then, I will admire the Israeli flag that waves in my governor office and create foreign policy based on my personal evangelical Protestant faith.

My opponents will tell you that in the town I’ve governed of 9,240 people that there were no Jews. They will also try to convince you that Alaska in general has only 3,425 Jews, 0.5 percent, as opposed to New York’s 1.6 million Jews, 8.8 percent of the State’s population. My opponents will use this as leverage to argue why Hillary would be more knowledgeable about Jewish issues than me and a better speaker at this convention. Don’t listen to these naysayers! These statistics, like most, bear no significance. I met Joe Lieberman a few weeks ago at the convention, so I dare them to say that I don’t know any Jews!

John and I always say “Country First”about America. But I am here today to say: Countries First! America and Israel first!

In conclusion, Jews, I want you to know today that The Powerful Female Pitbull Coalition, Jesus Christ, and I, Sarah Palin, are on your side. And if you want any specific examples of my experience with Israel, well … I’ll look that up and get it right back to ya. L’Chaim!

Sarah Heath Palin is governor of the State of Alaska and the Republican Candidate for vice president of the United States. Ariela Rutkin-Becker, intrepid reporter, is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She can be contacted at arbecker@cornellsun.com Dude, Where’s My Karma? appears alternate Tuesdays.