While on my way to statistics yesterday, I asked a girl if she heard what had happened to Lehman Brothers, and she responded: “are those the guys who threw the huge party this past weekend?” Cornellians, it’s time to get off Facebook, and onto the New York Times website. If you are not aware, America has been crippled by economic turmoil recently. The latest catastrophe, the bankruptcy filing of Lehman Brothers, marks a significant step on the path to financial Armageddon.

If you have been too busy surfing Perez Hilton to notice, the U.S. economy is in a state of utter disarray. John McCain can attest that the economy is financially sound until his beard turns white, or his hair falls out, okay you get the point. The reality is, however, that the U.S. financial markets, and ultimately the world markets, are faced with a grave crisis. Monday, Lehman brothers, a major investment bank, declared the largest bankruptcy filing in American history. The Dow Jones Industrial plunged over 500 points on fears that other institutions might soon face the same demise as Lehman. So how does this affect us, the college students? Outside of the few like myself who actually own a portfolio, which is withered, battered, and bleeding, we tend to overlook how the macro economy can impact daily life. Some implications are more serious than others; nevertheless, we should all be worried. Let us examine some potential effects of a financial implosion:

1) Massive herds of students will switch from financial tracks to pre-med or pre-law. Your mother always told you to become a doctor, lawyer, or investment banker. With massive layoffs in the financial world, and the likely deterioration of future jobs, the switch seems obvious. Uniqueness and creativity are overrated, and plus, are there really any other acceptable fields out there? Expect the imminent collapse of business schools, from Wharton to Tuck, and hello LSAT’s and MCAT’s.

2) The disappearance of black suits. Thought pinstripe suits and slicked back hair were only for mobsters and bankers? You were right. The murky suites looming Wall Street will soon be replaced by pairs of Dockers, Hawaiian shirts, or McDonald’s uniforms.

3) Ever struggle to understand what those dang numbers stood for on that long electronic stringy thing in Manhattan? Worry no more. Soon, all stock tickers will display corporate slogans or Chinese fortune sayings. Viva Viagra!

4) Remember the stock market game you played in middle school? Well, with the collapse of the stock market, we will have to encourage our youth to engage in research and decision making in new ways. Possible replacement’s include the “develop an exit strategy for Iraq game” or the “picking a hypocritical, unqualified, and inexperienced vice presidential candidate game”.

5) There is continual criticism over the lucrative bonuses received by investment bankers and hedge fund managers, despite the wage cuts and layoffs of thousands of ordinary workers. Since these top executives will refuse lower bonuses and salaries, even as their firms literally go bankrupt, expect payouts to be made in Monopoly money. Even though it may be worthy slightly less, it still feels dang cool to receive a metallic briefcase full of bills- yellow, orange, blue, and green bills for that matter.

Now that you are substantially enlightened on the potential fallouts and implications of a financial collapse, let us return to the crisis at hand. It was a mere five months ago that investment bank Bear Stearns was dissolved, and America became painfully aware how legitimate our economic problems actually are. In the case of Bear Stearns, the Federal Reserve created impromptu legislation, which helped Bear secure a buyer before the firm went completely under. However, not enough permanent action was taken, if there even are any possible means of ensuring America escapes a complete financial meltdown. Just last week, the government made an emergency take-over of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mack, former barons in the mortgage industry. As Wall Street and America at large start to digest the recent demise of Lehman Brothers, there is little comfort for other banks and brokerages.

If this is all shocking and unfamiliar to you, it’s time to trade in that Cosmo or Sports Illustrated for any major newspaper. The message should be out of the bottle. Although the apocalypse is unlikely, a financial crisis of such magnitude will affect us all, whether through jobs, taxes, or overall consumer confidence. Our financial system needs a major upheaval, and it will be a complicated and controversial task with some castaways. The tunes of the Police are playing loud and clear; hopefully change comes before the entire economy falls into despair.

Shaun Werbelow is a sophomore in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be reached at swerbelow@cornellsun.com Second Opinion appears alternate Wednesdays.