Freshmen lushes everywhere

We know your plight, and it’s unfair

Turned 18, and still must run

When the cops bust up the fun

Through backyard and over fence

You’ll be JA-ed, so get you hence

Leave that slow hallmate behind

Too late for her, so ease your mind

Someday she’ll look back and laugh

At that cramping in her calf

Well, maybe not. But who cares?

There’s a whole hallway to befriend upstairs

Plus they have a nicer lounge

And a well-stocked fridge that you can scrounge

To the dorm and into bed

Lay you down that beer-addled head

Dream of keggers, fancy-free

And a merry, magical, jager bomb tree

With morning, painful retribution

But Advil offers no solution

Those shoes aren’t yours, your eyes are shot

Why do these brownies taste like pot?

And head-in-toilet, you start to thinking

“The law’s to blame for my binge drinking!

I gulp it down whenever I can

No rhyme or reason, method or plan.”

“The wait til 21 is much too far

When I can vote and drive a car.

I must appeal to the powers that be

And fight the law for a drunker me.”

Some data and theory are all that we need

To convince the admins, they’ll quickly concede

So forget about all those MADD statistics

This drinking law hurts hookup logistics

For Cornell couples are in decline

Due to lack of beer and wine

Marriages avoided, Cornell children unborn

No alumni donations? Skorton we must warn!

So undergrads, gather and raise up a jeer

To Skorton on high: “More beer! More beer!”