I know that you still cry sometimes about that fact that you weren’t good enough for Yale or Harvard, but face it: you don’t go to a real Ivy. The sooner you start taking advantage of your state school benefits, the better.

Claims that Cornell is the worst Ivy — or that it shouldn’t be an Ivy at all — are both valid and deeply seated in reality. According to Radar Magazine (and numerous other sources), we are “overrated” and “anti-intellectual,” have the ugliest girls and boast an oppressive Greek system. In case you don’t know yet, all of these things are true. We also jump into gorges and stab West Campus visitors. But so what? Cornell is a great university — not in spite of these things, but because of them. Except for the stabbing thing.

So you don’t go to a real Ivy. But it’s nothing to despair about. Instead, you should accept your lesser standing and embrace the fact that you go to a Big 10 school with an Ivy League misnomer. Cornell is way more of a state school than you may think: it has too many students who all share a passion for hockey and frat parties. What real Ivy can say the same? I don’t want to sip tea and play croquet at Dartmouth or Princeton. No, I would much rather be able to get loaded in a toga and bang randoms all week long.

In my opinion, Cornell’s best state school feature is its rampant sluttiness. Even if we do have the ugliest girls, at least our ugly girls put out. In another part of this Radar feature — where Harvard was deemed “Most Overrated” (we were runner up) — the following statistics were cited: “According to the annual senior survey, members of the class of 2008 slept with an average of just 2.75 people while at Harvard. 25 percent of students did not have sex at all, and half of all undergrads had one sexual partner or less over the course of four years.” WTF!? We might be graduating from the lamest Ivy, but at least we’ll have banged more than two people.

Cornell is a perfect breeding ground for sluts. Just look around and see how many of us suffer from Korean mothers, Orthodox Jewish upbringings, or high school years as friendless fatties. Add to that the freakishly cold weather and the widespread desire to commit suicide because we all ended up at our safety school, and you know exactly why we all turn to frequent and anonymous sexual encounters.

Instead of treating our sluttiness as yet another reason Cornell doesn’t deserve to be in the Ivy League, you should appreciate the many benefits it affords us. As some of you go into your first official weekend as a Cornell student, please remember that like the early bird, the early slut gets the worm. Don’t take more than 12 credits, because you’ll need the extra time to start working on the things that really matter. Here’s what you can expect when you start embracing your sluttiness: you’ll get free shots from potential bedfellows, everyone will want to be your partner during group projects, and — if you’re lucky — last night’s trick might even drive you to class in the morning.

And that’s just the beginning. The long-term benefits of developing as a slut at Cornell are abundant. Who really wants to enter the workforce ill-equipped to sleep their way to the top? In the real world it doesn’t matter where you went to college — as long as you are willing and able to flirt well and have sex with people, you will always succeed in life. Being a Cornell slut can get you what you want and where you need to go faster than any real Ivy reputation. Take our last sex columnist for example: Jenna B. opened her legs for 20-plus of Cornell’s finest during her time here and look at what it got her: a book deal. Don’t worry about that sorority girl who rolls into your Tuesday 12:20 with a massive hangover. I promise you she’ll be exceedingly successful at office parties. Consider also one of our most prominent graduates: Ann Coulter gained her fame not by touting her fake Ivy status, but by harnessing the skills she learned during her time as a DG.

I too am a testament to how valuable these Cornelian skills can be. Over the past three years, Cornell has taken me from a heterosexual batting zero to an all-star homo with a batting average to match. This summer I enjoyed the many added benefits that come with being a ladder-climbing slut: trips to Chicago and Miami, endless free drinks and cabs, tons of Marc Jacobs gifts, tickets to galas and movie premieres, and sleepovers in lavish apartments in TriBeCa and SoHo. What did the sexless Ivy Leaguers get? Nothing. This safety school is starting to sound pretty good.

Once you’re at the top of your field, you will be up there right along with the kids from real Ivies. The only difference is that instead of using your intellect or displaying an H-bomb on your resume, you slutted your way there. Rankings don’t help Cornell grads succeed — the scarlet C’s on our breasts do. Get over the fact that we aren’t a real Ivy and appreciate Cornell for the state school that it is.

John-David Brown is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be reached at jdbrown@cornellsun.com. Country Club Cockfight appears alternate Fridays this semester.