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Going Green

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Heartless, Not Stupid

To those of you interested in hearing about my views on environmentalism, I apologize: this article is not about sustainability or carbon-neutrality. In fact, it is completely apolitical — which is surprising considering all the possible jokes I could make about the catfight in the Democratic Primaries, the similarities between Bill Clinton and Eliot Spitzer and even the Ku Klux Klan’s recent vocal support for Planned Parenthood.

No, this week has put me in way too good a mood to worry myself about politics. This week includes two milestones in my life: my birthday — which I share with Osama bin Laden — was on March 10 and St. Patrick’s Day is on March 15 or 17 depending on who you ask. In honor of my favorite religious holiday, here is the college entry essay I wrote for my little brother … It got him rejected from Lehigh University.

One of the first things that people ask when they meet me is, “Billy, what is your favorite color,” a simple question right? Wrong. There is a lot to consider. A lot of people think that blue is the color of the sky; actually, the Rayleigh scattering of light interacts with short wave lengths making the sky appear “blue.” The color blue is a farce; I don’t trust phonies. Raphael from the Ninja Turtles was red, which makes a convincing case; but commies are also red. Red is out of the question. While we’re at it pink is also done: see red. Purple is the color of the Minnesota Vikings — enough said. Burnt orange is my grandma’s favorite color, but I hate cigarettes (ok that one’s a lie, but I still hate burnt orange). Brown is the color of Chit Phoo, which is alright; but then again, the brown M&M is definitely the worst of the bunch. “What about yellow?” you ask; are you calling me a coward? Black really accentuates my eyes, but then again I’m scared of the dark. White makes me think of my brother’s pale college gut, which makes me shudder. As for green …

Green represents everything that is pure and right in this world. Green is the color of the Oakland Athletics. Mark McGwire played for the A’s before he did steroids — back when baseball was defined by talent and skill, rather than by who had the best drug dealer.

Green is universal. Everyone knows that the grass is ostensibly always greener on the other side of the fence. Green is also the color of grass stains: the sign of a happy childhood.

Green is the color of impartiality. Some people may choose to see the Ninja Turtles by the color of their head bands; I, however, choose to see the Ninja Turtles for the greenness of their shells, not the purple, orange, blue, or red of their headbands. Those who pick a favorite Ninja Turtle based on the color of his headband rather than the content of his character only further the stereotype of turtles as anthropomorphic teenagers who are skilled in the craft of martial arts and enjoy pizza. Green encourages tolerance and acceptance in our civilization.

Green is the color of success. The green light is the color of Go which is a hysterical movie starring Jay Mohr, who was in Jerry Maguire with Tom Cruise, who was in A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon. Six degrees to Kevin Bacon? Green gets you there in three. In the time it took to read this paragraph, green has led me to Go; and I have collected two hundred (green) dollars. Green is the fast track to success.

Green is tough. Green fought its way into the mainstream crayon scene. It was originally constrained to just two colors: green and dark green. Now, out of 64 colors in a box of Crayolas, there are a dozen versions of green, including such greats as Granny Smith Apple, Jungle Green, and Persian Green.

Green has fought its way into the candy circuit too. The green Skittle has endured a grueling test of wills; its flavor has been changed from lime to apple and back again to lime — and yet green remains.

Green is literally a Lifesaver; the best one, too. Which brings us to chocolate-based candy: several years ago, M&Ms were suffering from a lack of spark; thus the green female M&M was born, relieving the public from the tedious red and yellow M&M mascots that almost brought the franchise down.

Green rhymes with clean, hygiene, and serene: coincidence? Green is the color of the shampoo that keeps my hair silky and smooth; the beads in the Irish Spring soap that keeps my body clean; the Aquafresh that makes my smile light up the room. My day would be nothing without green.

Green is the color of my Irish heritage, Nickelodeon slime and one half of Christmas; all crucial aspects of my childhood. Green is the color of pool tables, money, marble sink tops and emeralds; things that I know nothing about but would love to have someday.

Green is protective. The Green Lantern, Green Hornet, G.I. Joes, and Ninja Turtles are all incredible superheroes that saved the earth numerous times over. Green is also the color of the camouflage worn by real life superheroes: the men and women of the United States armed forces.

Pink may be my favorite crayon, but green is without a doubt my favorite color.

Bill McMorris is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at bmcmorris@cornellsun.com. Heartless, Not Stupid appears alternate Wednesdays.

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