As you may have noticed, the arts editor Rebecca Weiss ’09 has put a soul patch on my picture which means I can write poetry and shove it in your face.

Haircut

Nice haircut, Webb.

Hope you didn’t pay for it.

Workout

Slip on the gloves with the fingers cut off

Get a good quad stretch in

4 x 10 bench

3 x 8 Tri-cep extension

(Make sure to isolate the tri’s)

Can’t squat, hip problems

3 x 10 pec deck

If you’re feeling dangerous, do 100 more of pec deck

Rehydrate with Gatorade—my official thirst quencher

Blast the lats, 12 plates, 3 x 12

Shock the bis with 4 x 15 of dumbbell curls … the 25’s

Recuperate the muscles with MET-Rx TestSterol

Extreme Fuel!

My High School Yearbook Quote

“I’m not afraid of you anymore, dad.” Me

Personal Interpretation of Freddie Prinze Jr.’s artistic monologue from She’s All That

Hack-E-Sack.

Bounce.

Bounce.

You gotta keep bouncing.

Can't let it drop.

Never let it drop.

Come on, Freddie Prinze Jr.

Everyone's watching.

Expecting.

Never ... let it ... drop.

Everyone’s counting on you, Freddie Prinze Jr.

Don’t let it drop.

Don’t ... ever ... let it ... drop.

Sooner or later, it has to drop.

Michael Carrington’s Poem from the Fifth Grade

Café Latte

Mocha Latte

Latte

Latte

Latte

Java

Father II

Apparently, it’s not possible

For you to suffer from fetal alcohol syndrome

If it’s your dad that drinks.

Tales of a Failed Bassist

I am a failed bassist

There’s probably nothing less interesting

Than a failed bassist.

Would You Rather…

Have to slice your brother in half vertically

Or

Slice your sister in half horizontally?

Ballad of My High School Football Team

God coaches coach Phillips

Coach Phillips coaches the Knights.

Most Embarrassing Moment of My Life

I saw the preview for Win a Date with Tad Hamilton

And thought to myself:

“That looks pretty good.”

What I Want My Last Words to Be

I’m a goner

You go on without me

I’ll try to hold them off for as long as I can.

Threat

If you ask, “Are you threatening me?”

And the person responds,

“I just call it like it is.”

Then he is probably threatening you.

Teen Help Line

One of our friends

Used to work the phones for this teen help line

And we use to call him with fake problems

Then he would come to school the next day

And say, “Yeah, I think I really made a breakthrough with this guy.”

He still doesn’t know.

Danger

I think I might have high blood pressure.

This isn’t a poem so much as

I really could have high blood pressure.

Andrew Webb is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at awebb@cornellsun.com. Confessions of a Mental Patient appears alternate Mondays.