Congratulations freshmen — you’re almost at the halfway point in the semester. The point where round one of prelims has come and gone and now midterms are descending upon us. The point where the weather usually drops a good 30 degrees one day only to climb back to shorts weather the following — thus effectively discombobulating your immune system and giving you a never ending sinus cold. But most importantly, we are at the point in the semester where a much needed respite arrives in the form of fall break.

While many students begin focusing on exams and papers around this time of the semester, as a weathered fifth year senior I can save you stress and panic attacks and tell you where your head should be at — Halloween. That’s right. Halloween is the most anticipated and exciting holiday in the fall semester collegiate calendar (similar to St. Patrick’s Day in the spring). Halloween provides the perfect opportunity to let loose and have a great time while showing off your creativity and, and in some cases, stupidity.

I love Halloween but one of my pet peeves is the fact that every year you’ll have the columnist (or four) who writes about the dichotomy and the chagrin they feel because Halloween is the one day “where good girls dress and act like sluts and get away with it.” Well, get over it. Every year this obnoxiously ancient debate arises and I am addressing it now in hopes — no, in prayers — that it will stymie future unoriginal discussion.

That point aside, you might be wondering, why think about Halloween now? The answer is simple: costumes. Every year I am astonished at how robotically mundane and lame the costumes are that Cornellians conjure up. For ladies you have the nurse, cheerleader and school girl, while guys generally sport an array of costumes that are last-minute concoctions hastily put together (throwing your bed sheet over your head and calling yourself a ghost when you were six years old comes to mind). And no, gluing pictures of hemp leaves to your body and calling yourself “marijuana man” isn’t any better (that was one of the worst costumes I randomly encountered last year). Please, this Halloween, make a resolution not to embarrass yourself with a pedestrian or worn-out costume idea. I’ve planted the seed a month in advance now, so no excuses, dress like a champion.

In an effort to help all you costume-challenged persons, I took the liberty to Google some ideas to get you started. While there are plenty of brilliant costumes out there, I’d like to highlight a few that, while on the surface (and I mean very shallow surface) might seem funny/cute/original they are, in reality, definitely unacceptable and will hopefully provide a path that you do not want to venture down. And if you show up at my party wearing these you will get escorted to the garbage chute.

Deviled Egg. The idea here is to dress up like a cross section of an egg — white body with a circle on your stomach for the yolk — and then add devil horns and a pitch fork. Ha ha. No. Not cute. Not creative. Just. Plain. Stupid. If you wear this, expect a beat down similar to the one given to the kid who still wore his socks jacked up in the fifth grade.

Buccaneer. Attach a dollar bill to each of your ears. Get it? Buck-an-ear! I’m speechless. Actually no, I’m laughing hysterically. If you see somebody doing this, leave that party immediately. The last thing you want is to realize you’re tagged in the background of a Facebook picture with this guy. No way in hell you’re landing that i-banking job now.

Clown. Just don’t do it. They’re creepy and besides, have you ever heard of a clown costume resulting in anything quasi-positive? Clowns are not funny, don’t get chicks and trigger buzz words like “pedophile” and “predator.”

Leaf blower. The gist of this masterpiece is to wear a baseball cap and attach a leaf from the bill of the cap. Then, when somebody asks you what you are (other than an idiot) you blow the leaf. Brilliant.

So now we have the extremes: the over-done, un-original cheerleader versus the extremely “creative” and incredibly pathetic buccaneer. As Ivy Leaguers, I’m sure you know how to find the middle ground. And if all else fails, feel free to adopt this stellar costume that would perfectly describe both your attire and self — grab a crutch, stick or cane and be exactly what you are: lame.

Carl Menzel is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at

cmenzel@­c­o­r­n­ellsun.com. Southern Style appears alternate Fridays.