As the not-so-anonymous Sun sex columnist, I get hit with a barrage of crap questions wherever I go. People ask me for relationship advice. They ask me if I’m still at 14 (no). They wonder how to get laid, how to put the sexual spice back into a four-year romance, how to handle penis malfunctions or address obviously-faked orgasms. Once in a while, I even get, “Hey, my buddy wants to have sex with you because he wants to be written about! Let me know if you’re ever pressed for material!”

I’m not so sure that what I’ve been doing in this space might indicate that I possess a wealth of relationship wisdom or that I have run into some shortage of available peen, but I can dish out bullshit with the best of them if that’s what you want. But what truly concerns me is not the stupid stuff you’re asking, but the raunchy questions you’re not asking. We get into plenty of discussions on how to go about pursuing, initiating and performing sex, but what about the aftermath? UTIs, bleeding, musty smells, mysterious crusts — what’s up? Are these the things you’re afraid to talk about?

Push your Terrace salad aside and let’s chat.

After sex, the first question that comes to mind is obvious: what’s the fate of the baby-gravy?

In a condom situation, the party sporting the latex is usually pretty quick to peel it off and get rid of it with no fuss and minimal mess. But if you’re in a monogamous relationship and you’re going condom-free with oral contraceptives, things tend to get a little stickier. When the guy finishes inside the woman or man, there’s some cleaning up to do.

And trust me on this: you absolutely need to mop it up. If you just slap your undies on, spoon and pass out, when you wake up in the morning, the warmth of your cooter will have baked some of that crap like an oven — and you can pretty much forget about morning sex.

What if that tasty non-dairy treat ends up elsewhere? Use the shower. Seriously. Use lots of soap and lukewarm water (cold water tends to harden the substance; hot water kind of cooks it) because you don’t want to discover new pearl jewelry on your Sunday morning walk to Uris. If it gets in or on your eye, I hear Clinique Take the Day Off Makeup Remover works wonders and is even gentle enough for contact-lens wearers. Be cognizant of “cum claws” (under-fingernail buildup), especially if you have longer nails.

Of course, some people prefer to skip the shower and enjoy reeking of sex until washing themselves is absolutely vital. To me, the scent of sex is distinct. I think sex smells exactly like balls — and yes, testicles have a distinct, musty-sweet smell. In fact, the dude I woke up with on Tuesday morning had plenty of time to bathe, but opted out of a morning shower (or even changing his clothes) and marched his ass straight to his 8:40 a.m. class determined to smell like sex (balls) for the rest of the day.

Speaking of that dude, I met one of his fraternity brothers the previous night. And like many of my readers, this brother felt the need to share the intimate details of his sex life with me. With horror in his eyes, he described how he had finished having sex with his girlfriend to find his wrinklebeast covered in blood. She’d started menstruating during intercourse and neither of them had realized it.

I managed to wipe the assy look off his face by explaining that a little unexpected blood is tantamount to accidentally spitting on someone while you’re talking to them: sort of awkward, but you wipe it off and get on with your life. If you’re not man enough to deal with the fact that a girl bleeds out of her chocha once a month, you’re not man enough to be having sex with her.

This same guy had never heard of a Urinary Tract Infection. In fact, an alarming number of the dudes I spoke to about post-sex yuckiness have either never heard of a UTI or simply do not seem to comprehend the agony that the great pee demon brings to women.

Everyone can relate to the physical sting of having to pee really, really badly when you’ve just downed a huge Diet Coke and you’re stranded in the middle of the row in Wines class with 90 minutes to go, right? That’s exactly what it feels like to have a UTI, except that feeling lasts all day long and every time you sit down to pee, nothing comes out. Nothing. No relief. If you do manage to squeeze something out of your bladder after 10 minutes of excruciating pain, you give birth to about a drop of cloudy piss and it burns like hell’s fire on its way out.

The infection is usually caused by bacteria from the digestive tract being spread to the urethra and then traveling up the urinary tract; having sex (or even fooling around with fingers downstairs) is one of several surefire ways to push that bacteria right up in there.

As the duchess of TMI, I feel it is my duty to let you know that my life has been ruined by this three-letter cooter-killer a grand total of eight times. Yup, my affair with a man with the initials UTI has outlasted all of my relationships.

A UTI is usually not so serious that you’re going to need to book it to the E.R., but you should seek treatment as soon as possible — if left untreated, the infection can spread to your kidneys and that is serious, so get some antibiotics from Gannett and take care of that mess ASAP. It’s not hard to prevent a sex-related UTI: pee within 30 minutes of having sex. To put it simply, your piss is magical and its acidity will help flush out the bacteria in your urethra before it turns into the pee demon. And dudes, you should refuse to engage in the post-coital cuddle with your lady until she pees.

Drinking real cranberry juice can help, too, since cranberry helps to make your urine more acidic. Cranberry juice won’t cure an already-developed UTI on its own, though, so chugging that sugary Ocean Spray cocktail you picked up at Trillium isn’t giving you much more than an assload of calories.

I have a friend who swears that wrapping a peeled clove of garlic in cheesecloth and shoving into her vagina is a magical cure for any sort of post-sex vaginal upset, including UTIs. She also tells me that slathering plain yogurt on a pantyliner is a great way to help calm the itching of a yeast beast or irritation after a marathon sex session. She calls the yogurt/garlic remedy “vag-a-ganoush.” As for me, I can assure you that making a Greek dish out of my coochie-cat is right up there with relationships and wearing Crocs on the short list of things I absolutely won’t do. Just get some antibiotics and don’t be afraid to talk to a nurse if you think you might need treatment — remember, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it’s probably a UTI.

Keep on talking about sex, guys. Don’t censor yourselves and don’t be afraid to ask your friends about even the raunchiest of matters: chances are, they can relate. And remember, there’s more to sex than pursuit and performance. There are UTIs and lingering smells, too!

Jenna B. is a senior. She can be contacted at opinion@cornellsun.com. Bedroom Eyes appears alternate Thursdays.