Right now, Cornell is a lot like that weird little singing boy Sanjaya from American Idol: it’s out. Everyone’s basically had it with Cornell at this point, with all of its finals, papers, blocked bridges and lack of beaches. You all just can’t wait for the summer so that you can travel and party and finally relax.

But then you actually leave Cornell. Your thoughts of lounging by the pool sipping frozen drinks with little umbrellas and twisty straws dissolve into visions of summer jobs and internships, confiscated I.Ds — Toto, I don’t think we’re at Dino’s anymore — and having to travel a lot farther than the distance of a mere walk of shame to see your friends with benefits.

Summer life isn’t always easy, and being torn away from our beloved campus and its “abundance” of social activities can spawn some potentially alarming problems for us. Since this is my last opportunity to play the almighty advice-giver this year (... tear), I shall do my best to leave you with some guidance to help you deal with some of these troubles and put some steam into your season of heat and dry spells.

Lots of Unaccompanied Boring Evenings (a.k.a LUBE) When the summer begins, everyone is happy to have survived finals and eager to get some rest and to recuperate. We are more than satisfied spending our days working and our weeknights relaxing. However, after enough time (about a week) spent sleeping, watching TV, playing video games and stalking away messages, we start seeking more stimulating activities. And how do we stimulate ourselves when we are too tired from work to go out, too far from our friends to see people we know or too bored with HBO, Xbox or AIM? Why, we stimulate ourselves, of course!

Masturbation is a healthy, safe way of satisfying sexual needs. Though it’s generally accepted that guys masturbate all the time (“I’m just … uh … hangin’ out”), and most girls seem to agree that masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of, girls often deny doing it. To spare you a lecture on female hypocrisy when it comes to sex, I’ll merely say this: Sex feels good whether you’ve got a partner or not, and for $12, you can get yourself a vibrator that can give you an orgasm just as good as — if not better than — one that most Cornell guys could give you. If you can’t have the boys of summer, at least get yourself one of the toys of summer. As far as I’m concerned, that’s money well spent. Why condemn yourself to a summer of sexual frustration if you don’t have to? It’s not rocket science here, ladies. It’s economics.

Giving Into Very Eager-but-Ugly Persons (a.k.a GIVE UP) Masturbation can only go so far, and while I think it definitely deserves a place in the sex lives of Cornell students, it simply cannot substitute for the intimacy of sex with another person. So, like any good bridge player would do, when their hands no longer do the trick, Cornellians look for good partners.

Unfortunately, despite the tenacity with which they embark on the search for these partners, it’s not always easy to find that special someone. You are meeting fewer people than you do during the year, and the people you meet aren’t all college students. Whoever said that Cornell has no hot students has obviously not spent a whole lot of time in the real world. If you haven’t seen it already, you would be amazed at the plethora of people who reside beyond the borders of Cornell’s campus who you wouldn’t want to touch with a 10-foot pole. That is, unless it’s summer.

For lack of other available options, people seem to lower their standards when it comes to summer lovin’. As much as I would like to say that you shouldn’t hook up with someone you don’t want to continue things with, if you find someone you are attracted to and can have a good time with, I say go for it. Summer is undoubtedly more fun if you’re being sexually active and everyone could use a little practice for the fall. You may feel a little desperate, but, when you look back on a satisfying summer that kept you in such good sexual shape, you can have the last laugh.

Having to get All of It Removed (a.k.a HAIR) What I consider by far the most annoying thing about sex in the summer is the unavoidable need for constant grooming. During the year, you can pretty much get away with shaving once a week right before the weekend. But bikini season isn’t as forgiving when it comes to hair down there. As inconvenient as it may be, you’ve just got to grin and bear — well, bare — it. And I’m not just talking about the girls here, either. A nice, clean shave goes a long way when you’re going all the way. Besides, it’s too hot for any extra layers during the summer, anyway.

Weight-lifting and Exercise Begin Compensating for Absence of Mate (a.k.a WEBCAM) Not everyone has to resort to temporary substitutes for good sex over the summer. Some people don’t get to have any sex at all! Those who date Cornell students during the year may end up in long-distance relationships for the summer. If you are dealing with this issue, it can be a big challenge to transition from seeing the person you care about every day to not seeing them at all. My advice? Buy more cell phone minutes, get some of that physical aggression out at the gym, invest in a webcam and see the above section on LUBE. Enough said.

This isn’t to say that summer sucks altogether. Warm weather means more places to have sex without freezing to death and people wear less in general so it’s easier to get things going. If I’ve taught you anything this year, you’ll realize that, like sex in any other season, summer sex raises its own questions and comes with its own set of responsibilities. And, hey, you might even get lucky — not just in the sexual sense — and find someone you actually like. But, either way, there’s always the continual promise that school will ultimately be back in session and we can get back to Cornell — where the fun really happens.

Nikki Nussbaum is a sophomore in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. She can be contacted at opinion@cornellsun.com. Cornell Unzipped appears alternate Tuesdays.