I am not sure if this will be my last column … depends if they take me alive. So, when you read this, imagine that Green Day’s “Good Riddance” is playing in the background with some slow-motion montages.

My editor Olivia informed me that we were going to need some more columnists for next year. I immediately punched her in the face. I then realized that my reaction wasn’t consistent with her statement.

If you are reading this, then you have somewhat of an interest in the opinion section of The Sun. You might even want to write your own column. In order to do this, you will have to write two potential columns. As soon to be named Columnist of the Year, I think that I should give you some tips about how to write a column. Sun Podcast: A podcast is available for this column. Click here to listen to or to download it.

First, you have to think that what you are about to say is earth-shattering. “Oh man, everyone can’t wait to hear my opinion on this.” Whatever that opinion is, it has to be something that nobody cares about or that doesn’t affect them — especially politics. We desperately need more of those columnists.

If you do write a political column, you have to either claim yourself as a conservative then write about how evil and stupid the liberals are, or claim yourself as a liberal and then do the same to the conservatives. Those are your only two choices.

You have to be O.K. with the fact that your writing will not accomplish anything other than producing a lot of hate mail from the other side. If you are scared of hate mail, then make sure that you follow every statement you make with a lot of conditions. “Now, I am not saying (fill in some excuse so that you don’t look bad).” This way, you can dance around the issue and not really say anything at all with the 800 words that you have.

Oh, and you also have to be O.K. with almost everyone skipping over your column. Anyone who will actually take the time to read your piece is already entrenched with his or her own beliefs; He or she will already have an opinion formed on the issue before reading what you have to say. You won’t change anyone’s mind.

If you want to avoid all of this, then you can write about your own experiences here at Cornell. Make sure that your column does not differ from any of the other columns about Cornell. Subjects to be included: weather, Ithaca, the pressures and implications of attending an Ivy League school and tater tots vs. French Fries in the cafeteria … (the last one was more of a hot topic at my high school newspaper, but it could still make for some intriguing journalism here at Cornell.)

You need to follow this formula for all personal columns:

1. Tell a short personal story. “I was standing in line at Trillium when I realized …”

2. Have this story serve as an example of some unimportant notion about either Cornell or life in general.

3. Those are really the only two points for the formula, but every formula needs at least three points.

You could also write about dating. You must talk about — why guys and girls don’t go on dates anymore but instead just have late night hookups, Facebook, the implications of texting and spring break debauchery. But don’t say anything that is more than PG-rated so that your words won’t come back to bite you.

Once you do start writing columns, you will constantly hear the phrase, “Hey, can you write a column about me?” The only way you can respond to this is by laughing, saying “yeah,” and then hope that they aren’t serious. Or, you can ask them what you should say, and you will then hear “I don’t know. I just think it would be funny.” If that person doesn’t realize what they just sounded like, walk away.

Some Final Notes:

• I have always found the subject of my dad infinitely more interesting than any other topic. I don’t think I gave him enough justice for the impact that he has had on my life. For instance: Last summer, my brother climbed Mt. McKinley (the highest peak in North America). Papa Webb was so proud of his “only” son. Well, guess what, dad? I too climb mountains … but more so in the metaphorical sense.

  (I could make a joke here along the lines of Cornell being so hilly that I practically do climb mountains … haha, LOL, why didn’t I do that? It would have been so original.)

• If you happen to make the lacrosse game a week from Friday against Hobart (Slope Day) then make sure to buy a raffle ticket for Save the Day, a program to help chronically ill youth. And I hope that everyone will come and take part in the 21 Run on May 5 at 1:00 p.m. at the Cornell Plantations. It is held so that George Boiardi’s dream of education for the underprivileged may live on.
• I realize that my columns never propose a solution to any problems that I complain about.
• I’ve always hated it when columnists claim to be “awkward” because that now seems to be the cool thing to do. Posers. If they only knew ...

Andrew Webb is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at amw68@cornell.edu. Confessions of a Mental Patient appears alternate Mondays.