Just joking.

Like all other members of the Slope Day Programming Board, I was put through an intensive counter-terrorist training program to prevent me from cracking under pressure and revealing the secret of Slope Day’s lineup, or more importantly, Slope Day’s super delicious ice cream flavor. Despite bribery offers from multiple members of The Sun staff, I remain adamant about not revealing the performers, choosing instead to JOURNEY away from such immoral propositions.

Let’s review the recent Slope Day entertainers:

2002: Nada Surf

2003: Rusted Root and Fat Joe

2004: Kanye West, O.A.R. and Dilated Peoples

2005: Snoop Dogg, The Game and The Starting Line

2006: Ben Folds, Talib Kweli and Acceptance

Notice a pattern?

Not a single Cornellian has performed for Slope Day.

Never one to miss an opportunity to promote Cornell University history and alumni, I considered submitting my own list of suggestions for 2007 Slope Day musicians, all acts featuring Cornellians, of course. While most of these alumni performers may be somewhat out-dated or less than popular these days, maybe its time we catered to an older audience. More professors on the Slope means more Friday classes cancelled and more opportunities for blackmailing them to cancel final exams.

How about taking a risk and inviting a few of these more nontraditional performers back to the Hill?

Peter, Paul and Mary

Everyone’s favorite trio (besides the Three Tenors, Three Stooges and Three Amigos), Peter, Paul and Mary features Cornell alumnus Peter Yarrow ’59. Not only do they have a pile of Grammy Awards, they also have perfectly appropriate songs. “Puff the Magic Dragon” on Slope Day? Brilliant! After the Slope has been suitably trampled, they can finish with “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?” before leavin’ on a jet plane.

Bad Religion

Featuring front man Greg Graffin (who completed his Cornell Ph.D. in 2003, appropriately enough in evolutionary biology), Bad Religion is credited with leading the punk rock revival. Sadly, Mr. Graffin is currently a professor of life science at UCLA where classes don’t cease until June 15. It wouldn’t make sense for him to skip classes in order to help us skip classes ourselves.

Harry Chapin

A Cornell dropout, folksinger Harry Chapin’s social activism and work to combat hunger would certainly resonate with the Cornell audience. I can picture the Slope Day crowd channeling their inner hippies and rocking out to “Cat’s in the Cradle” and “Flowers are Red.” However, Chapin’s tragic death in a 1981 car accident might prevent his agent from booking him for the concert.

Cheryl B. Engelhardt

If the Slope Day Programming Board is interested in supporting a more recent Cornell alumna, they could invite pianist/singer/songwriter Cheryl B. Engelhardt ’02. A former women’s crew team member, Engelhardt has upcoming performances throughout the Northeast.

Huey Lewis & The News

Although Huey dropped out of Cornell before completing his degree, I think we can forgive him since he had a cameo appearance in Back to the Future. And unlike most of the other groups on my list, this one is actually still touring. “It’s hip to be a square.”

Steven Stucky

Snoop Dogg and Ben Folds may be big names, but do they have a Pulitzer Prize? Our own music department faculty member, Steven Stucky MFA ’73, DMA ’78, earned one in 2005. Any song titled Second Concerto for Orchestra sounds like perfect entertainment for a day of drunken debauchery.

Any Cornell A Cappella Group

I figure this is a good way to get rid of a few extra a cappella groups on campus. No matter which group we put on stage at Slope Day, they will likely be stoned to death. Even if they sing “We Didn’t Go to Harvard.” Especially if they sing “We Didn’t Go to Harvard.”

Alas, you won’t be seeing any of the aforementioned acts come the last day of classes. But I’m counting on all of you to become rock stars so we have some quality Cornellian performers 20 from now.

As for this year’s actual Slope Day performers, the only hint I’ll provide is “don’t stop believing.”

On an unrelated note, Monday’s April Fool’s issue of The Sun had a letter to the editor criticizing Cornell’s heliocentric attitude and a general lack of knowledge about Ezra Cornell’s obsession with the moon. Although I was unable to confirm that Ezra did indeed found a psychedelic band called The Moongazers, The Sun was actually correct in mentioning his interest in stargazing. A letter from Ezra to his son dated April 29, 1847 states: “I have a fine lot of telescopes. I have one with which I can see the Mountains in the Moon.” And you thought The Sun was just making things up . . .