Unlike Claire, I am not going to even try and put on the façade of a coherent column.

• I hate it when a baby is born, and people say, “Ooh, he has his mother’s eyes.” Or, “She looks just like her dad.” No she doesn’t. She looks like a baby. They all look the same.

• On the subject of kids — I am not a fan. You always have to give a fake smile and laugh at their crappy jokes. And, when you talk to them, you have to talk down to their level using a forced voice. You might say that I am being hypocritical because I was once a kid, but I was the worst kid in the world.

I watch old videos of myself trying to be funny, and it is the most pathetic sight. I was the least funny kid in the world, and the fact that I tried so hard made me even sadder. My mom told me that she considered any parent-teacher conference where she did not come out crying a success. If I came across the 12 year-old version of me, I would drown him.

• Whenever I tell people I am from Houston, they never fail to say, “Ha ha, must be pretty cold for you up here.” Real original.

• My dad was my third and fourth grade church league basketball coach. He never got any coaching done because I would always try to pants him.

• Don’t ever join Boy Scouts because becoming an Eagle Scout is not worth the humiliation of being a Boy Scout.

• How many people actually read the political columns in The Sun?

• My brother Thurston and I go way back, pretty much all the way back to when I was born. Due to the lack of a fatherly presence in my life, my brother attempted to fill the void. This didn’t work out too well because I had to watch him get made fun of for being fat.

• You would think that running up the stairs screaming, “Mom, Thurston has been hit by a car — He’s dead!” is funny. But, for some reason, your mom won’t think so.

• My brother just went out on a date for the first time in about a year. He goes to Wake Forest Law School. We decided that I would keep texting him during the date so that he could look at his phone after it buzzed, give a sigh and then roll his eyes … you know, make him look like all the girls want him. I am a genius.

• I hope that girl that my brother went out with doesn’t read this.

• I can’t decide whether I would rather be on Laguna Beach and be able to do the dramatic turn towards the camera during the intro while Hilary Duff’s “Come Clean” is playing. Or, if I would rather be on Grey’s Anatomy during one of its final slow-motion montages where The Frays’ “How to Save a Life” is playing.

I could pull off being shirtless in Laguna and look really good with the sun setting in the background, but Grey’s would make me look more dramatic and deep. Seriously, I can’t decide.

• I wonder when all the criminals got together and decided that whenever they committed a robbery, they would wear all black, even if it meant breaking into someplace that was painted white. In no way do they look suspicious wearing all black.

• I am not that good with numbers, but I would estimate that I ate between six and 800 slices of pizza last night … that number might be closer to six.

• My favorite memory so far of Cornell was during a math class last semester. My teacher was doing a problem that involved laundry service, and he said, “I am personally in the process of changing dry cleaning establishments. Tony’s dry-cleaning continually screws me, but I will get my revenge on them sooner or later.”

• I plan on getting a job with a company and presenting my idea for a thing to hang my clothes on. During the meeting when they ask for my presentation, I am going to stand up and slam my hand on the table. I’ll say enthusiastically, “Don’t you just hate it when you go to hang your clothes, but there is nothing to hang them on?!” I will then point to myself and say “I know I do.” It will blow them away.

• I am also going to invent athletic longings that are skin toned so that you don’t look like a wuss wearing them … oh wait, those are called stockings and that guy made a fortune. Hmm, what about shoes that are attached to pants? Don’t you hate having to put on your pants and then your shoes? I know I do. It takes way too long. Hell, why not socks that are also attached so that you can put on your outfit in one swift motion?

• This has probably been said many times, but every time I watch a historical battle scene in a movie like Braveheart, all I ever think about is how I could wipe everyone out with a machine gun.

And also about how I would always be in the back of the line when attacking the enemy. Seriously, if you are in the front of the line that is charging, you are guaranteed to be stabbed. They run right into the swords and spears.

• Carlos Mencia tries way too hard to be funny.

• “Wanna watch a movie?” This is universal for “let’s get it on.”

• When Patrick Henry said, “Give me liberty or give me death,” he probably wanted liberty.

• I hate my new picture. I am way hotter in real life.

Andrew McCue is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at amw68@cornell.edu. Confessions of a Mental Patient appears alternate Mondays.