It took me four hours to read 12 pages for my women’s literature course on Tuesday. I still haven’t washed the dirty glasses I used in Wines last Wednesday. And though I can hear my unwritten and unresearched thesis quietly nagging at the back of my brain, I would rather watch Days of Our Lives on Soapnet than actually sit down and write it. My symptoms are lethargy, apathy and nonchalance; my disease is Senioritis.

Part of this disease is the utter decay of creativity and originality. As a result, I’m rapidly running out of column ideas. You ask, “How can that be, Jackie? Your column only comes out twice a month, and it’s not even really about anything. Surely you can think of something to babble about. Is your life really that uninteresting?” Well, reader, the answer to that question is yes. Yes it is.

So, in lieu of a “real” column, this week all you’re gonna get are a bunch of mini columns that I was either too lazy or too uncreative to develop into a full 950 words. As a side note, I am also making a public request for column ideas, so please send anything good you can think of over to jl482@cornell.edu. Keep in mind that I don’t like writing about politics, theology, health, science, George Bush, social affairs, world affairs, women’s rights, children’s rights, history, literature and, um, pretty much any other substantive topic of intellectual merit (a) because they are not fun, and (b) because I find it highly doubtful that you give a crap about what I have to say about those things, anyway. If I do end up using your suggestion, however, I promise to give you either a shoutout in my next column or sexual favors from my luscious ex-editor, Carlos Alberto Maycotte. In the meantime, here are some midget columns for your perusal:

Mini-topic #1: Yesterday officially marked the beginning of the end for the Class of 2007 — 99 days remain until we graduate. What the hell? How did that happen? Perhaps I should, like, figure out what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. Or look into getting one of those “job” things. Or, reserve a storefront in New York City for my cardboard box/future residence.

Mini-topic #2: What’s with the assload of snow we just got, and, more importantly, why is Cornell still open? Do they honestly believe that anybody other than the most blood-sucking pre-meds will actually go to class? And why hasn’t my street been cleared yet? The godforsaken internet Weather Bug has been chirping about this storm for days, so I refuse to believe that Ithaca’s snowplow brigade “didn’t see it coming.” Either cancel class or clear the snow. You can’t have it both ways.

Mini-topic #3: Valentine’s Day is crap. People — and by people I mean sorority girls — get way too hyped up for it, make ridiculous demands from their boyfriends/hookups/date rapists and then get upset when Chad from Zeta Douche Omega doesn’t live up to expectations. You might argue that I’m only saying this because I am a cynical wench with no love in my life. This is probably true.

Mini-topic #4: I’m really going to miss Anna Nicole Smith. Granted, she was trashy, sloppy and the only taste she had was in her mouth, but she was also beautiful and fun and didn’t take herself too seriously. She had a good spirit about her and suffered a lot towards the end of her life. I hope they figure out who her babydaddy is soon and finally allow her a proper burial, because the poor woman deserves to rest in peace.

Mini-topic #5: Why, why, why is Harry Potter doing nude scenes? The creepy kiddie porn-esque photos floating around on the internet rival Tubgirl in grossness. And why does Harry’s happy trail look like someone stapled a gerbil to his abdomen? Get a wax, dude. What’s next? Dakota Fanning doing rape scenes? Oh, wait ...

Mini-topic #6: Please don’t send me hate mail. I hate hate mail because, well, it makes me sad. I recognize your need to inform me that I’ve offended your delicate sensibilities in one way or another, but to be perfectly honest, your chastisements will neither cow nor correct me. If you do send me hate mail, however, I will look you up on Facebook, laugh at you heartily and then forward your letter to all of my friends. And then I will feel awkward when I run into you on campus. Send me fan mail instead. Fan mail makes me happy.

Mini-topic #7: I really hope we can get someone good to perform on Slope Day and someone interesting to speak at Commencement. Not that I didn’t think Ben Fol ... zzzz ... and Martin Luther ... zzzz ... King the 384th were ravishing choices but c’mon ... we have buttloads of money and our Ivy League reputation — I think we can do better.

Mini-topic #8: Why do med schools put people’s applications on “Hold”? It is possibly the only thing more offensive than a flat out rejection. At least rejections are dignified. Putting someone on Hold is like telling them they’re the worst-case scenario: “Okay, if ALL the applicants after you are flat-out imbeciles, morons or cretins, we’ll give you another look. But not before then, and only if we have to.” I’d almost prefer it if they just sent me a traced outline drawing of their middle finger.

Mini-topic # 9: My parents really should have reserved a hotel room for graduation when I was in utero. Everything from here to Mars is booked solid, including the sketchiest and skankiest of Central New York abodes. I suppose Toothless Timmy’s Bed & Breakfast in Auburn will just have to suffice for the Levin family.