One of The Sun’s editors-in-training, Rebecca, said, “I’m not sure what the aim of this column is, [and] I think this is kind of offensive.” Need I remind you that I am in the hospital, about to have surgery … which pretty much makes me a hero and therefore able to say whatever I want?

When the doctor came into my room and told me that my heart showed signs of abnormality and that I would need surgery, I thought about the regrets in my life — particularly about how I don’t have enough money.

People say that money can’t buy happiness, but that is the biggest lie ever told … other than when my dad said that he loved my brother and me equally. The following irrefutable reasons prove that money is/should be our ultimate goal in life:

1. It is simple math that a fourth grader could do:

Money = Hot girls. No Money = No girls.

When I first met Claire, I opened up my wallet to show how much money I had. You should have seen her face — she was in love. I then said, “You think that’s something, take a look at this…” I showed her that the shirt I was wearing was Nautica. I know what you are thinking, and no, that was not a misprint. Nautica!

You see, money gets you nice things. Nice things lead to happiness. Who can be happy not wearing brand-name clothes or having to drive Japanese-made cars?

On a side note: Lately things have not been so good between Claire and me. I have not been buying her enough nice stuff, so she once again failed to talk about me in her column. Claire, I can change. I got this new business venture, real promising. Things will be different this time around. Believe me.

2. People say, “Oh, I really would like to travel.” You can’t do that without money. Or, “I want to provide my kids with a great education and a future.” Again, not without money. Another math equation proves this point: Money = Doing whatever you want with your life because you have money and that is what you need to do something.

3. When asked about whether people think they are successful, they will say, “Well, it depends on what your definition of success is.” Money — that is what everyone’s definition of success is. If someone says that they have great friends or something along those lines, they probably don’t have much money. Or, they have a lot of money and don’t want to brag.

4. Money isn’t a relative thing. It’s not like certain people are content with certain amounts of money. Anyone who has $300,000 or over is happy. Anyone below that line isn’t. This number is not arbitrary and has not changed with time. In fact, it is proof that our society is advancing. A hundred years ago, very few people had that much money, so most people weren’t happy. Now that more people have it, more people in our time are happy.

(Rebecca said that “anyone who has taken psychology, sociology, etc. will know that Americans are less happy today than in the past.” Well, Rebecca, the majority of Americans haven’t taken any of these classes from Cornell, so most people would disagree with you.)

Now, my parents refuse to tell me how much money our family has, so I don’t know whether I should be happy or not. I have done some investigation, and I learned that my dad lost half of my college funds when I was eight. He spent it trying to start up some illegal dentistry network. When I asked him about it, he said that it seemed like a sure bet.

5. Another thing that people are too afraid to discuss is that money is also directly proportional to integrity. It is the tally of how much you have collected in your life. Actually, I don’t know what the definition of integrity is.

6. Cornell is one of the best schools in the nation because it is also one of the most expensive, just like all the other Ivy League schools.

7. When I went on my senior retreat in high school, all of our parents were supposed to have written letters to us that we would read that night. Many of the kids cried because their parents wrote such loving and personal letters. When I opened my envelope, there was a whole bunch of cash instead of any letter. I liked my envelope a lot better than any one else’s.

8. Communism … that worked well.

So, there you have it, scientific proof that money is the meaning of life. And I should know. I am about to have minor surgery!

I asked the nurse how much my surgeon made a year. She said that they don’t disclose the salaries of their doctors. But then I stumped her when I asked her how I would know if my surgeon was any good if I didn’t know how much money he makes. Score one for Andrew.

Finally, you might have noticed that I have changed my picture. I initially wanted my identity to remain a secret (I go by something other than Andrew). Kind of like how Peter Parker had to keep his identity a secret so that the evildoers wouldn’t attack his loved ones — only I am not a wuss-nerd like Peter Parker, and I have no loved ones. So, I will show you my face.

I just learned that to get your column on this page that is next to the crossword puzzle, you have to have a column that is over a thousand words. So, in order to have this prime spot of real estate, I am adding this paragraph to make sure that my column is long enough. Anything that I say in this paragraph has nothing to do with my column. It is purely to make sure I get this great spot. Again, do not pay any attention to this paragraph. You can even skip to the ending if you want to. It has nothing to do with anything. Hold on, the phone is ringing. I have to pick it up. Ok, I’m back. There, 1088 words.

If you are like Rebecca and are not convinced by my argument, I am reminded of a little saying: “And so we danced, like fairies in the wind. ’Til the demons said ‘No more.’”