Editor’s Note: The above title has nothing to do with this column. Andrew is just getting desperate.

Going home for Christmas was pretty hard on me and my family. When I walked through the door, I was heartbroken to find my dad paralyzed in a wheelchair. I later discovered that he was just passed out in his new La-Z-Boy.

My time at home got a little weird when my dad rented Memoirs of a Geisha. It filled his head with a bunch of weird ideas. He made me put on white make-up, lipstick and a wig, and then I had to dance for his friends. He even quit his job and told me that, now as a geisha, it was my job to provide money for the family.

But if there is anything that my winter break taught me, it’s that I still got it. When I went back to visit my high school, everyone rushed to see me. They remembered how much I ruled the school. You don’t even know! I was a god when I walked through those halls … hell, I still am. And I keep getting cooler and cooler every time I go back.

Revisiting my glory days got me thinking about a little film that involves high school.

(Note: Last semester, I wrote a column that described the curse of The Notebook. This one is similar.)

The masterpiece Angus tells of an overweight high school boy, Angus, who secretly has a crush on the beautiful Melissa. Problem is, Melissa is dating star quarterback Rick Sandford (played by a more than capable James Van Der Beek). When ol’ Rick secretly rigs the election of the prom king and queen to go to Melissa and Angus so as to embarrass Angus, Melissa ends up seeing past Angus’s disgustingly overweight body to fall in love with him.

You might think this a lovely tale proving that true beauty lies within. This just gives nerds hope — builds up their dreams only to crush them down when they get rejected. Believe me. I know personally.

There was this girl I had a huge crush on in high school. After I saw the film, I decided that she would like me only if I was obese, like Angus. I spent the next year gaining 150 pounds. After a massive coronary and tons of praise from my football coach for finally achieving my life’s purpose of being the first 300-pound lineman in Episcopal High School history, I weighed 310 pounds.

When I approached the girl of my dreams, her usually happy face turned to one of genuine concern. She said, “Oh my God, Andrew.” I said, “I know.” She said, “Why?” I replied, “If gaining 150 pounds doesn’t make someone love me, then I don’t know what to believe in.”

I then decided the problem was that she wasn’t bulimic like Melissa. So, I tried sticking my finger down her throat, but that was the last time I was ever allowed to see her … legally.

This little story of mine doesn’t prove anything. But you must believe me when I say that the best way to get the girl you want is to look good and then to act too good for her. That way, she will say “I hate myself for loving him,” (but she will still want you just as long as she thinks that you are an enigma).

It’s all about looks. Appearance is where the concept of “love at first sight” came from (the key word in that phrase being sight). Anyone who disagrees with me on this subject is either lying or ugly. And that is all I have to say about that.

Moving on.

Last semester, The Sun named its 25 Most Influential Cornellians, and my name wasn’t on the list — just another typo that has yet to be corrected. And all of you at The Sun may think you have gotten the best of me. But remember this: Anything I say will be printed in The Sun, so I too can give out awards in the name of The Sun. It would be foolish of me to abuse this power, so I will only give it to those who deserve it … me.

Talking to my girlfriend Claire, we quickly came to the decision that we are “Cornell’s Most Influential Couple.” Even The Harvard Crimson mentions our “incestuous relationship” in its newspaper. (Oh, and Crimson, if you are reading this, I just thought you should know that you do not have enough articles detailing how all the students that go to Ivy League schools were all the smartest in their high school class and now that they are with all the other best and brightest, they cannot stand getting B’s and C’s. I just don’t read enough of those.)

And, now that my columns are on Mondays, I will be even closer to the love of my life, Claire. When Carlos offered this to me last semester, I jumped at the idea. This should be a lesson — invade as much of a girl’s space as possible. They love it. In fact, if a girl shows the slightest interest in you, she is just waiting for you to declare that you are in a relationship with her on Facebook. So go ahead and do it. They love it.

You may wonder how Claire can be the love of my life since I just told you about how much I loved this other girl in high school. Well, after the high school girl turned me down, I shipped her off to China. So I don’t even know if she is alive.

Andrew McCue is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at amw68@cornell.edu. Confessions of a Mental Patient appears alternate Mondays.