Last Saturday night, my roommates and I decided to throw an apartment party. We had what we were sure would be all the necessary ingredients for throwing a killer bash: copious amounts of alcohol, a spacious beer pong station and even the obligatory semi-original theme centered on states of partial undress (We were “Bringing Sexy Back” ... okay, okay ... completely unoriginal, even I will admit). Unfortunately for us, however, by the time midnight rolled around, neither Sexy nor actual guests had been brought back. Not even a little. There we were: us and, say, eleven or so disenchanted partygoers, all of whom were either (a) too polite or (b) too lazy to leave what was quickly becoming a vacuous black hole of fun. At about 12:07 a.m., we decided that enough was enough; disbanding the party, we all headed out to the nearest bar. It was the Christian thing to do.

Sunday morning, cleaning up a pathetic total of about one equivalent case in beer cans — enough to intoxicate a Lindsay Lohan, perhaps, but definitely not a Mel Gibson or a Keith Urban — we were left to ponder the question:

Where had we gone wrong?

Ultimately, we came to the conclusion that our failure was due to a mixture of bad luck and bad planning: (1) Many of our friends were out of town last weekend on various interviews, producing a loss of about 20 or so heads from among would-be guests and their friends. Oops.; (2) We started advertising the party much too late ... as in, like, Thursday for a Saturday party; and (3) We forgot that people don’t like walking out to 108 Bumble when it is 27 degrees outside.

Suffering from the ignominy of such a miserable failure — especially in light of our previous successes — I decided to take matters into my own hands with the hopes of sparing future party-throwers a shame such as ours.

Thus, I have produced a list of Top Five Tips for Throwing Parties that Don’t Suck:

1. Advertise well and in advance

Whether you are sending out e-mails, evites or Facebooking, make sure you do so about a week in advance. This isn’t so much to ensure that people don’t make alternative plans, but rather to give people time to actually assimilate and remember that you will be having a party. In the meantime, it also gives you a chance to remind friends in class and shamelessly advertise on your AIM profile.

As a cautionary note, when using the Facebook party feature, make sure to privatize your party to include only invited guests. You don’t want to wind up like we did last year, throwing what inadvertently became a massive public affair, hosting every scumbag on — and off — campus.

2. Choose a reasonable theme

Themes like “Dress to get laid,” “Bringing Sexy Back,” and any phrase with a variant of the word “Ho” in it are typically successes, because, well, college kids like excuses to get naked. Or as close to naked as possible. Avoid using complex themes where people have to don cocktail dresses or buy superhero costumes ... ’cause chances are that come party time, you will be the only jackass actually suited in a cape and mask.

3. Have plenty of beer or booze on hand

Kegs go a long way, but if your landlord forbids them, there are always your good friends Beast and Keystone to fall back on. Have an absolute minimum of 4 to 5 cases for a decent sized party, especially if people will be playing beer pong. From personal experience, I have found that people usually drink more beer at parties than they do liquor, but if you insist on having the latter, at least spring for the good stuff. If you choose to serve your guests Fleischman’s vodka out of the signature plastic bottle, please don’t be surprised a few hours later when you find Jenny from Alpha Skank Lambda vomiting in your fireplace.

4. Set up a good party atmosphere

Low lighting and loud music of the pop/rap/hip hop variety are key. When turning down the lights, remember that no one ever really wants to get a good look at the boy/girl they’ve been macking for the last 40 minutes. Bright lights breed awkwardness. Also, though most people probably won’t dance at a house party, it’s nice to have the option available with some upbeat music. If people wanted to hear some low-key tunes by the Chili Peppers, they would have just stayed home and gotten stoned. Your party should look and feel like a party.

5. Make sure your apartment doesn’t get trashed

Leave out garbage bags and extra toilet paper. Lock your bedroom doors. Hide the extra beer until you need it. And make sure to stash your valuables. I once had some chick swipe a brand new bottle of expensive extra-volumizing coconut-scented Paul Mitchell mousse from my bathroom medicine cabinet during one of our parties. Who ever heard of someone stealing hair products?! Whoever you are, wherever you are: you caused me a week of bad hair. I hope you get lice.

As a final tip, always remember to invite your neighbors, because if you don’t, they are the ones who will call in the noise violations on you. And, under no circumstances should you even think about getting trashed at your own party. After all, someone needs to be able to keep an eye on things and string together coherent sentences should you be so unfortunate as to get a visit from the popo. With these tips in mind, you will hopefully throw some pretty killer bashes and Parties that Don’t Suck — ones that will haunt you on Webshots and Facebook photo albums for years to come.

Just remember: I expect to be invited.