Given that I probably know more about the facts of life than the entire student body combined, I owe it to my readers to share some of that knowledge, kind of like a Dear Abby of sorts … only Abby’s sister wrote the Ann Landers column while my brother got picked on as a little kid because he was fat.

This week’s question comes from Tazia Middleton, a sophomore AEM major. She writes: “Dear Andrew, I am an avid reader of your column. Last week I was distraught to find that it only appears on alternate Fridays. What a load of crap!”

Good question, Tazia. This might be the most troubling issue facing our University. The answer to your predicament lies in Carlos, my sneaky editor. He is always thinking of ways to ruin me. But don’t worry, I have planned a secret attack to overthrow his tyrannical rule and implement a new regime. Some of the attack might include torture. I shouldn’t be writing this down.

I wanted to write a column about politics, but my mom shot that down quickly. “You would come across as dumb. You’ve never had an interest in history, and you don’t keep up with any current events.” Not true, Mom. I bet you didn’t know that Weird Al Yankovic is back and that his songs are funnier than ever. Because I did.

Given that I never have a main point to my columns, I might as well just ramble off some thoughts that I have been having recently:

• If someone were to rank every guy here at Cornell in terms of their fighting ability, I imagine I would be around the 60th percentile. I would score well in terms of glute size and the number of times that I have seen Fight Club, but I would lose points due to my lack of courage and the fact that I haven’t reached puberty.

• Ugly person PDA — nothing I love more. When you watch them hold hands or look into each other’s eyes, you wonder: Do they actually find the other person attractive? I mean, do they really think that that person is the one for them? Or, do they just say to themselves: I have no one, and I’ll just take the first person who settles for me?

This then brings up an even larger question — what makes a person ugly? Relatively speaking, there is always going to be someone more attractive than you … unless you are me. So, we all are settling for someone less attractive when we enter into a relationship … especially me. (On the other hand, there is always going to be someone uglier than you, except for Michael Douglas)

• Politics — in the end, it doesn’t matter what I say or think. I can’t change anything and neither can you. You are just one person.

• People who say “I am a dork like that” or call themselves nerds aren’t nerds at all. Nerds would never call themselves nerds. Nerds are people who unduly think themselves to be cool.

• If I could have one wish, I would wish for the ability to pull off the blazer and jeans look. A BLAZER AND JEANS! TOGETHER! Nothing is cooler. Nothing.

• If I had a second wish, I would wish for a thousand more wishes.

• Way too many unfunny people quote Anchorman. Quoting that movie should be a privilege.

• FACT: I am lonely.

• I hate it when parents ban their kids from watching television. Television teaches kids to be creative and imparts onto them moral lessons, like the importance of popularity. Which brings up another good point — the importance of popularity. If you are popular, then you are happy. If you aren’t, then you are not happy. And, if you aren’t popular, then you are not a good person.

• You might think that I like Caesar dressing more than ranch, but actually, I like ranch more.

• If I knew whether girls that I wanted liked me back, about half of my life’s problems would be solved. I wouldn’t chase after girls that I didn’t have a chance with, thus saving myself from the awful embarrassment being convicted of “stalking.” And, I would also not worry when I was with a girl who liked me because she would find my chest hair charming.

• The answer to last week’s trivia question is Margaret Thatcher.

Finally, there seemed to have been a typo in Claire Readhead’s article this week — she didn’t mention me. I looked for a correction in Tuesday’s issue, but it didn’t have one. This was probably Carlos’ doing … always trying to ruin me. Anyways, I have written her a poem that says I am sorry for the “little misunderstandings” that might have occurred recently.

I swear all those pictures they found in my room aren’t of you,

But of a person who looks like you

It isn’t me who breathes down your neck as you sleep

You don’t find me going through your closet all the time

I don’t hack onto your laptop

I didn’t do any of this

I didn’t

I didn’t

Alright, fine

I did

But please let me see you

Andrew McCue is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at amw68@cornell.edu. Confessions of a Mental Patient appears alternate Fridays.