As a senior in college, the time has come for me to share with you what I have learned about life and love. In fact, it is my duty to impart the great wisdom that I have acquired over the last four years unto the less experienced masses (aka you, my dear, naïve readers). So, for the next 956 words, think of this article as a college relationship guide on what not to do when interacting with your latest main squeeze.

At this point in time, you may be questioning my ability to write credibly on this topic. After all, I am not in a relationship, I (self-admittedly) have no game and I am fairly fickle when it comes to the opposite sex. And if you have ever witnessed my attempts at flirting (or were the target of such attempts — in which case, I am truly sorry) you are probably aware of my tendency to make any situation unnecessarily awkward.

Well, this is precisely why you should take my advice. Listed below are various incidents of unacceptable behavior categorized according to their degree of egregiousness. If at any point in this article you find yourself questioning one person’s ability (mine) to commit so many relationship offenses over such a short lifespan, feel free to contact me. I’m confident that I will rid you of your skepticism.

Flirting

Being mean to the person you secretly admire is so fourth grade. However, if you cannot fight the urge to tease the object of your affection, at least leave his/her mother out of the mix. Trust me.

Inviting your crush over to watch The Incredibles, while tempting, is not likely to go over well.

In fact, let’s generalize this rule: using any Disney movie to woo your main man/woman into spending time with you pretty much never works with the “over-five” crowd.

Exes

Ex-nay on the exes — there is absolutely no need to bring up the “ex-factor.” Why? Because he/she doesn’t want to know who you were with last year and for how long you dated. Also, try not to date someone just because they look like your ex (and, regrettably, have the same IQ as your ex). Not only does this cause confusion among your family and friends, but, also, it’s creepy. Lastly, it’s never a good idea to call your ex-boyfriend whilst on a date with your new boyfriend.

Formals

It’s considered “in bad taste” to make out with your formal date’s frat brother(s) while at his formal. Though this seems obvious, I find that we sometimes need a little reminding. It’s also not a good idea to hide under the dinner table in hopes that your formal date will believe you to have left (hypothetically speaking, of course).

Completely Inappropriate Behavior

Under no circumstances are you to whip out your high school yearbook during a hook-up session. He doesn’t care that you were the editor-in-chief or that you weighed 110 pounds in 12th grade. He came over for one reason, and you can be sure it was not to find out what senior superlative you were awarded.

Lying

There are some instances in which it is appropriate, in fact imperative, that you tell a lie. For example, if the guy you’ve been chatting up at the bar asks whether you are using him to buy you a drink, the desired response would be a simple “no.” Anything other than this answer, particularly when combined with a sheepish grin, will result in your being removed from his “chicks to buy drinks for at the bar” list.

Cheating

When simultaneously dating two different people, avoid calling them by the wrong name. Better yet, do not attempt to see two people at once if their names begin with the same first letter. Matt and Mike, whilst similar due to the fact that they both start with the letter “M,” are indeed two completely different names.

Stealing

When you go out to the bars with 20 bucks on you, you should not end up with 30 at the end of the night. If you made a profit, then you did something illegal. Give the boy his money back.

Drunk Dialing

Avoid this at any cost; even if it means deleting his/her number from your phone. You see, while under the influence, calling that certain someone might seem like a great idea. And, it might actually be a great idea — if you just called once. But you don’t call once. You call nine times. And this does not include the four text messages you have sent (which, I must say, given your significantly impaired motor skills, are nothing short of impressive). Not only will you be directed straight to voicemail after the third call, but you will, without fail, use this opportunity to leave an inappropriate or senseless message. Or both.

On another note, do not drunk dial purely for the purpose of harassing someone. It’s one thing to make the occasional booty call, but drunk dialing someone just to make fun of their name is neither necessary nor funny (… even though, at the time, it seemed like a good idea). We all know that the name “Dylan” is pronounced Dill-an and not Dye-lon, so try to keep your side-splitting humor to a minimum when abusing your cell phone privileges.

To all of the men in my life who have taught me these valuable lessons: thank you. Your bravery, in combination with my poor judgment, has enabled me to extend invaluable information to those new to the college dating game.

It is my hope — nay, my life ambition — to arm my readers with this relationship advice (albeit at the expense of my own dignity) so that others may learn from my mistakes.

Naomi Goldin is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. She can be contacted at ngg6@cornell.edu. Kit and Kaboodle appears alternate Wednesdays.