Fact: This will be my last column on dating … unless I do another one.

Many of the internships offered at all of the big-time newspapers had their applications due. Since my writing “isn’t Wall Street Journal material,” I am left in a bit of a bind. My bad situation is made worse by the fact that I just recently gambled away the rights to my first-born child in a high stakes poker game. I could have met the guy for the $10 that he raised me, but I thought I had a sure hand.

So, here is my plan: Get in on the coal business. Nothing is hotter. Everyone seems to be going crazy over these new things called “engines.” Apparently, they run on coal and can make inanimate objects move, sort of like a carriage that doesn’t need a horse. I think these things could become pretty big. Don’t even think of stealing my idea.

Speaking of horseless carriages, it has come to my attention that girls desire a man with confidence, and they don’t even know why. Well, I do.

But before I explain it, you must understand that you are not the one girl in this world who doesn’t fall for the charade that guys put on by being “confident.” You aren’t different. It’s fate. You need to accept it just like the NFL should accept its fate after watching the football scene in Starship Troopers. The NFL knows that, at some point, football will change to that format where the players wear funky uniforms and do flips all over the field, so why don’t they stop delaying the inevitable and change it?

Girls want a guy who is confident because they like to think that they are moving up when they attach themselves to a guy. If the guy is confident, then he must have something special. He must have a reason to act that confident, right? I mean, no guy would ever be confident without having any reason to be. Conversely, if the guy isn’t confident, then he must not have anything to offer to her. He is just a loser who gives the girl a chance to “complain” to her friends about being hit on. (She loves the attention.)

Confidence is not a defining characteristic of a person. No one is special if they have it or don’t. You know what is special? My flawless physique. That is special. You can’t find it anywhere else. But seriously, I can bench 225 lbs 13 times.

People think confidence is special because they relate it to a guy’s achievement and worth. If a guy has achieved a lot, then he should be confident, and he will be valued highly by others. And that is how we assess the opposite sex — by the judgment of others. Instead of going after people we like deep down inside, we go for the person that we think will impress our friends. We all want to hear the words, “No way man, you hooked up with her?!”

If we removed our friends’ opinion about our girl/boyfriends, then confidence would not be an issue. But, it is impossible to do that. Hell, Claire told me that her friends didn’t approve of me and that she was thinking about ditching our highly publicized relationship. It was a pretty nasty fight. Well, I wouldn’t really call it a fight. It was more like me kind of poisoning her sandwich.

Confidence really means that a guy isn’t interested in you — he is more interested in himself and how much power he has over you. This is what, in his mind, makes him so awesome, like a Honda Accord.

It’s a lot like when my dad used to take Thurston and me out into the woods. He tried to convince us that we were going to have some fun, but it never was. He would get all weird and start yelling at the trees. Every now and then he would accuse the leaves of stealing his memory. One time, I caught him trying to leave us there and run away. He looked pretty startled when I caught up to him. He told me that he was just kidding and that I shouldn’t stick my head into other people’s business. Actually, that story has nothing to do with anything.

If a guy really likes you, he will be very nervous and act stupid when he is around you. He will forget to be himself because he wants you to like him. And then he will go back to his room and beat himself up over how stupid he was.

So, what should you look for in a guy? First, you need to see if he writes a Friday column for The Sun. If he doesn’t, then he isn’t worth your time. Actually, that is the only thing you should look for in a guy because if he doesn’t have that quality, then he is not me.

I have to be honest, I don’t even know if what I just said is true or not. I really just wrote this because I have no confidence with girls. A confident guy could equate to a genuinely great man who will rock your world.

Please disregard the last paragraph because it ruins my entire column.

Andrew McCue is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at amw68@cornell.edu. Confessions of a Mental Patient appears alternate Fridays.