On our way to Jason’s for some dinner in the form of Columbo, Chloe and I were just beginning what promised to be a deep philosophical discussion. “It must suck to be a boy,” she announced. Couldn’t wait to hear this one. “I mean, no one expects us to wear diaphragms, you know?”

She had a point. While, at times, it seems to me that the guys drew the much longer straw, I couldn’t even imagine myself walking over to the cashier at CVS with a box of diaphragms — or condoms, for that matter. “Condoms are much more available, though,” I replied. “Availability policies don’t usually include a bowl of free diaphragms or sponges. Meanwhile, you can find free condoms anywhere from a SHAG event to the bathroom of a Collegetown bar. That’s why you don’t see girls walking around with diaphragms in their wallets.”

“True,” she said as she spooned some gummy bears onto her froyo. “I don’t know. I still think it must be a pain for them. Granted, a lot of girls go on the pill. But, it’s kind of their choice. Guys are pretty much expected to wear condoms. I know it’s necessary, but I guess it would just be nice if condoms could be a little less annoying.”

“Well, I’m sure someday some Cornell grad will invent a condom that makes everyone happy to use it.” As if someone up there had heard me, when we approached the cash register, there it was in all its glory. A halo suddenly surrounded it and a choir seemed to sing in the background as Chloe and I dropped our jaws and reached up to get a closer look at this seemingly divine object. Mesmerized, we read the description on the box silently, and it wasn’t until Jason barked “Today!” that either of us opened our mouth again.

According to its generously informative packaging, “The Vibrating Condom Ring is designed to fit securely at the base of any condom, emitting strong vibrations that provide exciting stimulation for both partners. It can be turned on or off at any time and is powered by a light battery that is safely enclosed in a soft silicone shell.” It didn’t stop there. Unlike other products designed to numb sensation in order to prolong erections, “The Vibrating Condom Ring has also been shown to prolong erections and enhance the experience of both partners.”

Were we skeptical? A little bit. Intrigued? You have no idea. A condom that could actually improve the sexual experience seemed almost too good to be true. Condoms had always been reputed to hinder sex, not enhance it. I couldn’t help but wonder what other sex-enhancing contraceptive devices the geniuses at Trojan and Durex had come up with.

I decided that it was time for me to finally venture into that alluring condom aisle in CVS. As I approached, a guy who had to be an athlete of some kind gave me a wink and proudly strode past me with a pack of Trojan Magnums under his arm. Later, he’ll probably tell his friends that I was just one of two identical twins, both of whom were drooling at the sight of him with his big manly condoms. He’ll probably use the word “extreme” in there, too.

As I suspected, there was a greater variety of types of sex-enhancing condoms than I ever could have anticipated. From warming to tingling, twisted to ribbed and flavored to colored, it seems that they may have just thought of everything. They’ve altered the thickness, the texture, the shape and even the lubricant. After some serious observation, and the acquisition of a whole new list of vocabulary words, I think I can break down the ingenious pleasure-enhancing features of condoms into three basic categories: aesthetic, chemical and tangible.

Monkey See, Monkey Do … Another Monkey

These condoms are designed for people who subscribe to the philosophy that looks do matter. There are more colors available in condoms than there are in a box of crayons. You can also find glow-in-the-dark condoms and patterned condoms. I was particularly amused by the camouflage condoms with the phrase “They won’t see you coming” on the label. There are condoms with pictures, logos and writing on them for situations in which you might be getting a very close look. You can buy colored condoms that are in interesting shapes, such as condoms designed to look like bananas or snowmen. They have even made heat-sensitive condoms that change color with friction — sort of like a mood ring for your penis.

It’s Getting Hot in Here

Apparently, there’s more to the condom than meets the eye. From spermicide to lubricant, there are some interesting sensations that certain condoms can induce chemically. You can find condoms with lubricants flavored like fruits, candies or even mixed drinks. The lubricants on some condoms, such as the Durex Pleasuremax Condoms, are designed to enhance sensation by heating up or tingling with friction. Condoms like the Trojan Extended Pleasure Condoms feature a “climax control lubricant” with benzocaine inside the condom to gently desensitize and increase staying power. Think of it like running a marathon wearing sneakers that keep your feet from feeling tired.

Feelin’ Good

The final category of sex-enhancing features has to do with the shape, texture or size of the condom. There are condoms, such as the Twisted Pleasure Condoms, designed to enhance pleasure by changing the shape of the condom’s tip. Some condoms are made thicker or thinner for desired levels of sensitivity. You can find condoms with bumps or ribs and other interesting textures. They have even adjusted the length and width of condoms for increased comfort. These condoms are basically the massage chairs of the contraceptive world.

Whether you’re the traditional kind or you prefer the Super-Sensitive Glow-in-the-Dark Warming Tingling Does-Your-Orgo-Homework-for-You type, there are condoms that can enhance the experience of intimacy between you and your partner. However, remember that, no matter what kind you choose, it isn’t the kind of condom you’re using that matters so much as how you use it.

Nikki Nussbaum is a sophomore in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. She can be contacted at opinion@cornellsun.com. Cornell Unzipped appears alternate Tuesdays.