Last year, over 700 Cornell students joined the Facebook group “Jon Stewart for Convocation Speaker in 2006.” I was not among these 700 group members. Why? It’s not that I do not like Jon Stewart — in fact, I consider myself a huge fan. I watch The Daily Show religiously. Two years ago, I even waited on a ticket line for over 9 hours for the chance to see Stewart speak at Cornell. So, why wouldn’t I rally with Cornell’s troops and support the cause “Jon Stewart for Convocation Speaker in 2006?” The reason is just as simple as it is selfish: If Jon Stewart gave the Convocation speech for Cornell University’s Class of 2006, then the chances of him giving the Convocation speech for the Class of 2007 would decrease substantially ... err … well, more like completely.

Although Jon Stewart was not selected to usher the Class of 2006 into the “real world,” the Cornell Convocation Committee of 2006 did not disappoint its graduating class. Oh, wait … actually it did. Martin Luther King III, devoted humanitarian and civil rights advocate, was chosen to join in the ranks of other recent Cornell Convocation speakers, including General Wesley Clark, Bill Clinton, James Carville … and Danny Glover. But, while the committee has done a “heck of a job” in picking speakers for its past convocation ceremonies, I can’t help but worry about who will be chosen as the Class of 2007 keynote speaker. After all, this year’s ceremony will be different than all the others — and not just because I will be graduating. Actually, yes, because I will be graduating.

For this reason, I suggest that this year’s Convocation committee receive some additional help. And, who better to advise the Class of 2007 Convocation committee than a representative from The Cornell Daily Sun? Preferably, a female-opinion-columnist-who-is-graduating-and-happens-to-be-the-author-of-this-article representative from The Cornell Daily Sun. Yes, I, Naomi Goldin, have generously volunteered myself unto the 2007 Convocation committee in order to share my unparalleled wisdom on keynote speakers. My suggestions for the 2007 Commencement guest-of-honor are as follows:

Stephen Colbert

What Jon Stewart’s Daily Show is to the evening news, Stephen Colbert’s Colbert Report is to personality-driven pundit shows. In fact, those unfamiliar with Mr. Colbert might actually mistake him for the likes of Bill O’Reilly or Joe Scarborough. For this reason, Stephen Colbert could satisfy the tastes of the most liberal and staunchly conservative graduates. I mean, who else could refer to America’s melting pot as “delicious racial fondue” without offending any one of the fifteen thousand visitors packed into Schoellkopf Stadium? And it’s not like Colbert doesn’t have the credentials. Aside from his many Emmy nominations, Time magazine named Stephen Colbert one of the top “100 Most Influential People in the World”! This Mensa member even invented a word, for crying out loud! In January 2006, the American Dialect Society named as its 2005 Word of the Year, “truthiness,” which Colbert featured on the premiere episode of the Colbert Report. Most importantly, in my opinion, Colbert was named “2nd Sexiest TV News Anchor” in September 2006 by Maxim Online. He was the only man on the list. It’s true: bold, bright and beautiful, Colbert would be the perfect Convocation speaker for the Class of 2007.

Paris Hilton

You may think that nominating Paris Hilton to speak at our Convocation ceremony is my idea of a sick joke, but I could not be more serious. Paris Hilton would be, by far, the most impressive keynote speaker in Cornell’s Convocation history. More than Bill Clinton, even! Think about it: While it would be difficult for anyone to give a graduation address, imagine how much more difficult a feat this would be for the Heiress! After all, forming complete sentences is not really something at which she excels. Still, Paris has accomplished a lot in these past few years. She’s written a book, perfected reality television and produced a hit single. She’s even starred in a number of breakthrough films — some of which were not home-made! Let’s face it, people: the woman is a multi-talented genius. And, if for some crazy reason I am wrong about Paris’ ability to inspire an audience of Cornell graduates, well … then just witnessing her attempt to string together 30 minutes worth of logical ideas would be worth the collective $2 billion in loans that my graduating class has acquired. Besides, who wouldn’t want to end on this note? “I like your tassels. That’s hot.”

Al Gore

If this was a good year for any politician, that politician would have to be Al Gore. Sure, he’s had his ups and downs, but the former Vice President has gained a strong following over the past few years. Gore’s documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, was a box-office success, grossing over $23 million and reaching large audiences in both blue and red states. Gore delivered a compelling case for how our actions are negatively affecting the planet. He has opened the eyes of millions of people to the reality of global warming and has done so in an informative, entertaining and sincere manner. But, aside from his most recent accomplishments, Gore has many other admirable traits. For one, he’s a politician who actually cares about other people! He supports abortion rights and free trade. In 2006, Al Gore helped airlift some 270 Katrina evacuees on two private charters from New Orleans. If I may say so myself, and I will, no other man is more qualified to deliver an inspirational message to the Class of 2007 than Al Gore. He is intelligent, experienced and well-versed. More importantly, he is a man on a mission. Gore may have failed at gaining the presidency, but he has only raised his sights: gaining the world.

You must understand that it took me quite some time to narrow down my list of candidates to three nominees. It was not easy crossing off Dakota Fanning, because I really do feel that she would have a lot of life experience to offer us. Nor was it simple to forgo Barack Obama, and not just because he is a beautiful, beautiful man. But, I had to limit myself, and, no matter how different these three nominees may be, I have full faith that any one of them would make for an amazing 2007 Convocation speaker.

Naomi Goldin is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. She can be contacted at ngg6@cornell.edu. Kit and Kaboodle appears alternate Wednesdays.