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Welcome to the Freak Show

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Ithaca is full of freaks. Everybody knows this. As Cornell students, we are surrounded by them at all times — on the T-Cat on a Saturday night, in Club Sudz on a Monday afternoon and throughout the Commons on ... any given day. They are the hippies, hobos and hoods that harass us with their illimitable social conscience, keep us up at night trolling through our recyclables and crash our frat parties with the sole purpose of starting fights. I don’t know where they all come from, but we seem to draw them like a Big Red magnet.

Most of these weirdos usually fall into three distinct categories:

1. Central New York White-Trashy Thugs

Embracing black-rapper fashion without any of the taste or pizzazz that goes with it, these freaks can most often be found sporting oversized Fubu sweatpants, a dirty Hanes wife-beater and some sort of bling fashioned out of fake gold and C.Z.s. They target Cornell students, cat-calling our girls and staring down our guys when out at night in Collegetown. I was recently hanging out at a friend’s house when we were accosted by some bona fide Central New York White-Trashy Thugs. They came in, hit on all the girls, realized they weren’t getting anywhere and left in a huff after knocking over some garbage cans. Someone shouted something about “recessive genes,” but the guidos didn’t get it. Fortunately for us, most CNYWTTG’s have the approximate mental capacity of a

toaster.

What separates us from them? We’re smarter.

2. Doomsday Christians / Hare Krishnas

Ever get lured in by those nice looking men in the fine suits passing out free stuff in Collegetown? You’re headed to your 9 a.m. class, you see them from far away and plan on walking right by, but everyone else seems to be stopping, and aren’t you curious to know what those little green books are? They give you a big smile, wave you over, and before you know it: BAM — they smack a little green bible in your hand. Gideon’s International New Testament, pocket-sized for leisure reading. And heaven help you (pun intended) if you actually stick around long enough to chat! After being convinced of the Imminent Apocalypse, you might just get your soul saved.

At least the Doomsday Christians can be pleasant to talk to. They don’t even demand money — or at least up front, anyway. It’s the Hare Krishnas who are the sneaky ones. My kind-hearted-yet-gullible friend Brett was walking home one day when he got scammed by one of these charlatans. Things started out friendly enough, with the Hare Krishna asking for the time, making some idle chat about the weather, eventually handing him the Swami Prabhupada’s The Nectar of Instruction. Just a little gift, since Brett had been such a swell guy. And free of charge! — unless, of course, he would like to make a “small donation.” Brett forked over the ten bucks, not realizing he’d been scammed until the guy was long gone.

What separates us from them? They’re smarter.

3. Dirty Hippies

The Dirty Hippies are by far the most loathsome of the freaks. They wear copper mineral bracelets, buy organic produce, and chew your ear off regardless of whether you give a damn about what they’re babbling about. Save the Trees, Feed the Orphans, Conserve Water (aka Don’t Shower), blahblahblahblah. I don’t mind them shoving their recycled-paper anti-war pamphlets in my face while I’m parking at Wegman’s, and I’ll sometimes even listen to them preach on the evils of George-W.-[expletive]-Bush ... but is it really too much to ask that they occasionally bathe?? Their inflamed sense of social conscience is irritating.

What separates us from them? We don’t care.

Although the city of Ithaca draws freaks like pies do fat people, the local oddballs are for the most part harmless, providing us with amusement at best ... and lice at worst. In all seriousness, it’s easy as Cornell students to see them as encroachers on our turf, taking over our Collegetown, selling us their junk, pestering us with their causes. I used to get annoyed by these perceived invasions, wondering why they couldn’t just leave us alone, go somewhere else, maybe mess with the Ithaca College kids some. It was only just recently, however, after witnessing the devotion of 15 or so hippies marching through Collegetown wearing matching sandwich boards protesting ... something ..., that I’ve come to realize the freaks are as much a part of Ithaca as we are — even more so, in fact — since, well, they were here first.

And in all fairness, aren’t we the ones invading their turf? Paving their Redbuds, stinking up their roads with our gas-guzzling SUVs, giving them weird looks just because they decided to skip a couple oh showers? We strut around in our overpriced jeans and popped-collar polos, brimming with elitist pride, thinking we’re better because some guy in some admissions office said we could go to — woo! — Cornell. In reality, this is their realm, their home. We’re just renting space. To them, we are the freaks!

It’s a scary thought.

Jackie Levin is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She can be reached at jl482@cornell.edu. Everything In Its Right Place appears alternate Fridays.

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