As the intellectual Cornellians that we are, we pride ourselves on our ability to stand on our own two feet and make the most rational decisions in any situation. We rarely want or need someone to tell us who we are. Often, however, when alcohol enters the picture, our logical, daytime personas are replaced by alter egos with unfamiliar tendencies.

It is through the limited confines of this column that I seek to reconcile the college student with their inebriated other. Quite simply, I aim to educate you about what you might be like when you are, for lack of a better word, smashed.

Although I am not the scholarly Dr. Maas, who set us straight freshman year about how groupthink affects our decision-making, I stand forth as an expert in my own right. After all, as a senior, I am clearly well-versed on alcohol, my knowledge stemming from regular attendance and careful observation at frat parties, house parties and, most recently, bars.

As a confirmed social critic, I am thus certified to delineate society into well-defined types and categories, which I personally constructed, into which everyone fits rather neatly. Along with this privilege comes the responsibility to allow you to categorize yourself. To do so, I turn to one of the most esteemed instruments of avant-garde technology, the multiple-choice self-assessment test, commonly known as a personality quiz.

Cornellians, I urge you to succumb to my professional labeling and take the quiz to recognize who you really are after a few drinks.

1. You see the student you shared an intimate moment with the previous weekend trotting gaily up to his or her room with a wide-eyed youngster. Your reaction?

a) The rage builds up inside. How could the lout not see that what you had was precious and earth-shattering?

b) You’ll Facebook the youngster later; you adore making friends.

c) Why, you weren’t aware that his or her sibling had come to visit!

2. At a festive event, you can invariably be found:

a) In the bathroom, crying about your lonely existence and sending ambiguous texts to all your friends. The true ones will come to your rescue.

b) At the bar, buying Riesling for everyone currently taking Intro to Wines. Although you might not have formally met, you feel as though all 700-odd students have forged a friendship through the once-weekly class.

c) Gyrating seductively in the middle of the dance floor. You needn’t even open your eyes; you can feel everyone watching you with admiration.

3. When recounting the previous’ nights events with friends over brunch, you say:

a) “It was the most traumatic experience of my young life.”

b) “…it’s like we’d known each other for years!”

c) “ … And then I thought it a real adventure to ‘borrow’ Cornellia from the Dairy Store”

4. After you’ve consumed a few beverages, your friends would describe you as:

a) Fragile and melodramatic.

b) Gregarious and extroverted.

c) Heedless and gullible.

5. After your third margarita on your birthday, you:

a) Wept with happiness when the waiters at Chili’s serenaded you with “Happy Birthday,” and, immediately after, shook with anger upon finding out that the refill was not free.

b) invited the entire frat party to your two-bedroom apartment for after hours. You simply couldn’t imagine the night ending without 500 of your closest companions by your side.

c) mistakenly believed the Ithaca Police would overlook the open container because, after all, it is your birthday.

Are you trembling in anticipation of the categorizations to come? The results of the quiz will surely be a spotlight into the inner workings of your psyche, and will undoubtedly impact your life in a tremendous manner. Take a deep breath.

Mostly As: The Emotional Drunk. Upon consuming alcohol, Emotional Drunks become slaves to whatever sentiment might momentarily pass through them. As a result, emotional drunks may fly into violent rages upon discovering their significant other in a secretive embrace, or they might be inclined to discuss the tragedy that is life in the most pessimistic of terms with the late-shift employee at CTB. These people are best known, however, for erupting into tears for no apparent reason at crowded parties. Emotional Drinkers are best paired with Prozac and patient friends.

Mostly Bs: The Loving Drunk. This drunken person is not only having a great time at the party, but making new best friends every second he or she is there. Prone to overly-affectionate hugs and kisses, the Loving Drunk sometimes gets stuck near the doors of the party, as he or she can unintentionally turn the entryway into something like the receiving line of a bar mitzvah. Although Loving Drunks will undoubtedly make any new acquaintance’s self-esteem rise with phrases like “Ohmygod we need to hang out more often,” the newly-formed friendship is unlikely to go beyond Facebook.

Mostly Cs: The Oblivious Drunk. Subcategories: The Daring Drunk, The “Don’t-I-Look-Hot” Drunk. The Oblivious Drunk’s thoughts and actions have no connection to reality. She might be under the alcohol-induced impression that that, because it’s dark, no one can really see her underwear when she dances on the table. This type often engages in risky behavior when intoxicated, like deciding that an impromptu road trip to Montreal at 2 a.m. is a grand idea. The Oblivious Drunk also has an unfortunate tendency to wander into the realm of kleptomania, lifting shot glasses, historical photographs and decorative plaques from whatever venue they visit.

Mixture of As, Bs and Cs? You’re the bane of quiz-makers’ existence, the GDI in an otherwise impeccably categorized world. You are rather difficult to analyze, as your behavior does not follow any particular pattern. You might display the passion of an Emotional Drunk on one evening and the gumption of the Oblivious Drunk on another. Although this range of behavior might be interpreted as “Normal,” the results from my highly scientific study (subjects consisting of my housemates) demonstrate that the vast majority of people will fit into one of the three aforementioned, decidedly non-normal categories. And if, regrettably, you are indeed “Normal,” then perhaps you ought to drink some more.

Carrie Bodner is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She can be contacted at cjb56@cornell.edu. In My (Kate Spade) Shoes appears alternate Mondays.