“A what column?” my father asked, sounding alarmed. I’d known it wasn’t going to be easy to tell my parents that their daughter was going to write a sex column. They imagined Cornell to be a mysterious place where students leave the library only to attend class and where there are Dixie cup dispensers next to fountains of opportunities. However, they had been unexpectedly understanding about my sometimes smart and (equally frequent) not-so-smart decisions since my arrival at school. They knew orientation week is to college students what cruises are to senior citizens: the weather’s nice, the food’s buffet-style and people are willing to relax their morals to enjoy a fling with someone they just met.

In the next few weeks, you’ll get advice about where to go, what to do and how to avoid problems like gaining the freshman 15. Simply put, go to the gym and focus on things like your schoolwork, friends and relationships. In fact, I think we should make a new freshman 15 of things everyone should know about college relationships before starting a year at Cornell.

1. There are only about 500 people who go out and they’re all interconnected through an intricate web of previous hookups. When you date a guy, you’re pissing off all his ex-girlfriends and all her friends who (don’t kid yourself) know exactly who you are. When you cheat on a girl, you establish your reputation as a jerk to all of her friends who’ve heard her entire version of the story and seen your facebook picture. Yep, here at Cornell, it’s a small world after all.

2. Unlike high school, in college, being “asked out” is merely an innocent invitation to test the waters. Exclusivity is no longer implicit and cannot be assumed until explicitly established. Don’t count your boyfriends before they hatch.

3. Someone inviting you to a wine tour, date night or formal does not mean that he likes you. If a guy invites you to something, be flattered. He’d rather take you than not go at all. He might like you, but don’t do anything you wouldn’t do if it weren’t an official event.

4. If you lend a girl clothing and then lie to, cheat on or wait more than four days to call her, you will not get that clothing back. However, if a girl is cold and you don’t lend her a sweatshirt, you’ll probably never hear from her again. Be a gentleman and lend her a sweatshirt — just not your favorite one.

5. When the person you like ignores you until about 2 a.m. and is then suddenly very insistent on your presence, you are a Booty Call. It’s easy to ignore the signs of a booty call relationship because it’s easy to ignore things you don’t want to see. However, a consensual booty call can be a good source of entertainment.

6. Guys rarely observe ‘bros before hoes.’

7. Oh yeah, and girls don’t, either.

8. Flirting at parties or exchanging four-word text messages don’t really allow you to get to know a person. If a girl says she doesn’t know you well enough, let her get to know how nice and understanding you can be. Girls, as fun as it is to fantasize about your latest crush, remember to separate what you’ve actually learned about him from what you’ve made up.

9. “Don’t I know you from facebook?” is not a good pick-up line. You won’t impress anyone with your ability to memorize about-me-sections.

10. Everyone likes someone who knows how to have fun. However, believe it or not, getting so drunk that you forget how to stand on your own is unattractive. Think twice before downing that third (or seventh) shot.

11. It can be tempting to date someone you meet in class. You get to know them on a more personal level than you would if you were to, say, make out with them at a party you won’t necessarily remember the following morning. However, in the statistically likely event that it doesn’t work out, you’ll have to see him/her every time you attend that class. Even if you defy the odds and it works out, you’ll have to see the person you’re dating every time you go to class. In short, it’s a good idea not to go to class. Just kidding. It is a good idea to think twice before you date where you eat, sleep, study or breathe.

12. Freshman girls, in one year, you won’t be a freshman girl. When older girls tell you the guy you’re with is a major player, he probably is. I don’t expect you to listen to them. You’ll find out for yourself, and next year your younger friends will do the same thing. In the mean time, try to make friends. They come in handy for things like nail polish and emergency tampons.

13. Freshman boys, for the first time in your lives, acting your age will ensure that you have no success with girls. After all, why would a girl choose a freshman guy who acts like a freshman when she can have a guy who acts like a freshman but looks like a senior? However, in one year, you won’t be a freshman boy. In the mean time, you keep playing video games on Thursday nights and mooching off girls to get into parties.

14. Prospects don’t disappear after orientation week. There’s no need for you to rush into anything because you feel like you might not get another chance. Not only will you get another chance, chances are you will probably get a lot of them.

15. Myself included, there’s no such thing as a relationship expert. No matter how much experience you have or how much you learn freshman year, there will always be things that surprise you. Keep making mistakes and taking risks. If your instincts tell you something is a good idea, it might be. And, if not, there’s always next weekend.

Nikki Nussbaum is a sophomore in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. She can be contacted at opinion@cornellsun.com. Cornell Unzipped appears alternate Tuesdays.