I know it’s Day One — or maybe Day Two, who knows? — and we should be tapering the celebration and demanding that the Big O get rolling down that bold new course he so adamantly promised us. But I’ve been waiting for eight long years and I’ll be god-damned if I’m going to recede into soberness just hours after watching honor and dignity finally and dramatically be restored to the White House. I think a star-studded concert in the foreground of a national monument is in order!

Being that I am incredibly poor and even more incredibly unemployed, I thought that Cornell students could benefit from some of my job-seeking wisdom. I will not make any illegitimate claims to job-hunting greatness, but let me just say that I have worked summers at a guitar store. Impressive, no?

The first thing that any good-to-great career counselor will tell you is that you’re going to need a great resume. And any great resume is going to start out with a great objective. For this step, it will be sufficient to reword the phrase, “please employ me so that I can pay my loans,” in as flowery a way as your sense of morality allows you.