When I was suddenly reminded that the Super Bowl is days away, I realized that — not only do I not know who’s playing this year, not only have I never watched an actual sports-related moment of any Super Bowl, not only did I have to look up the event on Wikipedia to make sure it was two distinct words, not Superbowl or Super-bowl — but I’m not even sure I would know it involved football if I didn’t see some men in tight pants during the commercials (which, incidentally, I do watch).

That said, I fully appreciate this great cultural tradition, and I hope that although I can almost promise that I won’t be there, I’ll be drinking well during the occasion.