Julia Moser on the latest in the Twilight saga. Surprise: it's a negative review.

Oh, The Vampire Diaries ... Seriously? Are you going to reference one of the few great vampire films to come out since Nosferatu in your title this week? Are we to be so brutally set up for hope, only to be doomed to depression and disappointment?

It has happened: The much anticipated (?) return of The Vampire Diaries to our televisions. This may be called the Spring Break edition recap.

Let me spin a little tale for you. Follow me and imagine!

Last week: Haha I’m so behind with these, you probably just have to look at the last post. Sweet!

Good Evening Ladies and Gents. Can you believe it? I mean, CAN you believe it!? This recap is, without fail, going to be published in a timely manner. So take that, ye of little patience. Moving on. Last week on The Show You Probably Just Missed to Wait in Line at the Cineplex for the Bipedal Sparklers: The gals got used and abused by a dead witch.

Hey nerds! Last week on Teens That Bite But Don’t Sparkle: Another fun lady character died, Damon joined a club, Stefan stayed mad, Elena stayed sad and then Cheerio and Matty got drunky and snuggly! Then we held a séance for John Hughes.

I get it indie rock stars. You need to make money. And teen sagas involving vampires make lots of money. So obviously getting your music into said sagas equals money! But really, the New Moon OST? I’m positive your intentions were not to try to redeem a lame movie via the soundtrack. I’m even more positive you’re all definitely in it for the money and you have to feel at least a little bit dirty for contributing to this one. Better yet, you must even be feeling a little bit of regret after the “almighty” Pitchfork gave your soundtrack a measly 5.4. That’s rough.

I should preface this by saying that I have never read any of the books in the Twilight series, nor did I see last year’s Twilight film. More then that, I have no desire to ever read a word that Stephanie Meyer has written about the turbulent love affair of Edward Cullen and Isabella Swan, or see any film adaptation of the story. I’ve come to this decision on my own without ever having direct exposure to the work, because like it or not, Twilight has become ingrained in our poplar culture as a nation, spawning a vampire-centric craze unseen since the glory days of my beloved Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This vampire frenzy that dominates our media, from HBO’s True Blood to the confusing new John C.

Eastwick, or as Rabia, calls, it, the Twitchie show. Even though there’s no Previously On, I just wanted to say that I’m surprised that ABC is trying to remake The Witches of Eastwick, even though multiple previous attempts have failed. Regardless, I actually find it kind of fun and whimsical, even if the characters are all such cardboard cutouts that I can’t ever remember their names.