There she is again. That girl that you really like. That one you have such a good rapport with, that you see every day in Libe Café when she orders an iced skim vanilla latte (this is me putting a mundane, over-ordered drink by the majority of female café customers to make a random reader think that I am writing this article solely about them … or am I?) or that you share your text message joke-of-the-day with every week at your Cornell Cheese Club Exec Board Meeting.

Dear Z,

“Be Mine?”

Dear “Be Mine?,”

I don’t think that you should expect anything; that way, you will be pleasantly surprised if you get something, but if you don’t there are no hard feelings. From your end of things, it really depends on how you feel about this person.

Take a deep breath and prepare for this.

ANAL SEX.

There. I said it. People have it. For a sizeable chunk of the population, it’s the preferred method of doin’ the dirty. And if you didn’t know yet, plenty of straight folks are enjoying the devilish act of sodomizing their lovers in ever-increasing amounts. So now, please, as a community, can we get over it and move on?

… No? Oh, all right.

But if we’re gonna talk about butt-lovin’, we have to at least mention the “eeew!” factor and HOW RIDICULOUS IT IS THAT THERE IS STILL AN EW FACTOR.

I’m not the ugliest guy, nor am I the least modest, but due to whatever the circumstances — my lovely blue eyes, my razor sharp wit or my charming smile — I have been blessed with the opportunity to sleep with girls. Many, many girls. I’m not going to give you my laundry list or show you my bedpost (which is notched like a saw), but it’s probably more than you think for a skinny Jewish kid from Long Island. I’m not terribly proud of it, it just happened. The problem is that girls don’t want to know that ranking them in your Top 10 is actually quite a prestigious honor and bragging about prior conquests hasn’t gotten anyone wet since Napoleon with Josephine.

Ladies, if a guy ever comes up to you and starts doing magic tricks, resist being impressed. It will be a struggle, but if you can overcome your hard wired instincts to get aroused by the “guess which number I’m thinking” game, you will have struck a victory for women’s empowerment.

If after reading that, you suddenly feel attracted to me, don’t worry. I just ran game on you.