Next week, Cornell is going to break for a hot sec. to honor our country’s Thanksgiving (for the “peace-making” between “whiteys” and “injuns”). As per custom, we’re gonna fete this holiday up big by feasting on some turkey (or, like me five years ago, beasting on Tofurkey — the horribly sad and gastronomically inept soy-isolate protein “turkey”).

Dorky Drunk

For Valentine’s Day, one of my friends got his pre-med girlfriend a set of like 100 beakers. When she was out, he spread them out across her room. That weekend, they threw a chemistry party, and invited everyone to come wearing lab coats. All the drinks they made were mixed in large beakers and served in smaller beakers. We used the smallest beakers as shot glasses after measuring out how many millimeters constitutes a shot.

— J.A.S.

Drive My Car

I was driving behind someone the other day and was pissed off when they stopped randomly in the middle of the road. I realized the driver had stopped at a green light to let backpack-carrying students cross the street.

— M.H.

Runaway Chip