It's been a hectic first week of classes here at Cornell, and Heroes and Villains is here to catch you up on all the news you may have missed.

Libe Café has been renamed after alumnus Amit Bhatia ’01, whose $500,000 donation to the cafe and library system was announced this summer.

Despite market volatility and increased operational costs, Cornell Dining has attempted to keep prices low for its coffee products, according to Karen Brown, director of marketing and communications for Campus Life. 

The past year has seen a strange development in Libe Café. In addition to the usual cast of characters — the sorority girls rehashing the weekend’s drunken escapades, the biochem students fretting over electron counts, the indie kids twirling their headphones — a strange new breed of introverts has grown up amongst the crowded tables and chairs. Consumed by conversations taking place on their laptops, these videochatters pass the hours in virtual exclusion from their peers, all but oblivious to the cacophonous, non-digital reality surrounding them.

Last week’s Sun news article “Libe Café Employees Protest Uniform Policy” explored the widespread opposition of Libe’s employees to Cornell Dining’s policy of wearing hats while serving. Their dissent was understandable. However, what struck me about the article were the statements made by a number of “regular customers.” They noted that the hats looked “silly” and made Libe “look like a dining hall”; to that end, one employee was told she “looked like a lunch lady.” Some workers therefore felt that the policy “hurts relationships with their customers.”

This goes out to Peter Davis ’09, a fellow Glen Altschuler protégé, who both champions all of my column victories and also mostly just thinks I’m an idiot.

This is a piece of writing that is subversive. I want to tell you all a little fable about the little genius that could, but wouldn’t anymore. Maybe, you, then, Cornell masses, will mutiny and realize that you’re actually in COLLEGE. The land of beer and honeys. Stop crying to your dad on your cell phone in Olin café, vaguely trying to obscure your face with a copy of this fine publication. You do actually still get a degree from Cornell if you get B’s. Even C’s. Pull yourself together.

So why are you here [in Libe Café] socializing when everyone else here is working?

That’s a good question. It’s because I spend a significant amount of my time in Olin studying so I like to mix it up with some Libe Café time. It’s a good pit stop especially in this weather. I like to get my dose of coffee here, too.

How many cups of coffee do you a drink a day?

[Silence] I’m counting. … I’m going to go ahead and say three on a good day.

Since you study international relations, do you plan to do a study abroad?

Annnnnnnnnnd we’re back! It's been a VILLAINOUSLY cold winter, but things at HEROES & VILLAINS are starting to get HEROICALLY hot in here. We’re excited … and you should take your clothes off.

We sighed with relief as Cornell announced that it HEROICALLY escaped the wrath of the VILLAINOUS Bernie Madoff. Although the school may have dodged the bullet on the VILLAINOUS $50 billion Ponzi scheme, we found out it’s not all smooth sailing in Cornell’s investment office. With VILLAINOUS budget cuts being thrown at the school from the state, and an even more VILLAINOUS 27-percent loss in the endowment, Cornell faces some tough times. We just hope the folks in Day Hall can foot the bill for those SUPER-HEROIC iPhones. ’Cause they’re just pimp.