Zachary Zahos '15 is offended by our celebration of mediocrity. 

On Halloween, why not dress up your drinks in costume?

So before I do my magic, and tell you about the hilarity that is this week’s South Park satire, I want to set the record straight. I don’t understand what people mean when they say, “It’s a Jersey thing.” Not everyone in New Jersey uses spray tanning lotion, relatively few girls actually wear the “poof,” and only a few men wear those ridiculous gold chains (but no more than anywhere else). 

As the Class of 2014 begins their Cornell experience, Vicente Gonzalez '11 encourages them to stay alive to the world's problems.

The Jersey Shore has been clogging up my DVR for weeks. The show and its “stars” are everywhere — on magazine covers, red carpets and most noticeably in just about every conversation on and around campus. Everyone is obsessed with Snooki’s pouf or the Situation’s situation.

Welcome back to the cold, heartless city of Ithaca. While you were gone, catching up on sleep and partying in your basement, the Cornell administration traveled down to the dirty Jerz’ to partake in all of the guilty pleasures that the infamous Jersey Shore has to offer. With the economy still down and the weather not getting any warmer, Cornell’s top brass took the remaining $3,183.48 in the University’s checking account, bought a ton of Axe, brand-new kicks and wife-beaters, got some killer spray-tans and rented a house on the boardwalk. (We smell a reality show, MTV!) Now they’re back, and they’ve got a whole new look. Introducing the new, juiced up cast of the Cornell administration ...