So I was going to write another kitschy column about how I’ve morphed into a frat bro. It was going to be pretty great, too, replete with mid-’90’s hip-hop references and copious use of the phrases “legit,” “bro” and “yo.” But I am experiencing a brief bout of self-righteousness, so please excuse this foray into the semiserious. Don’t worry: Next time I will return to talking about myself.

We’ve been doing a lot of thinking about “things.” All these things, like the environment and health care and people on the street getting diseases from monkeys and pigs and birds. Who’s the weirdo that’s been touching all these sick animals? We mean, come on. They’re sick. They’ve got problems enough as it is.

So, not too content with how “things” were going, what with the temperamental economy and our joblessness and sleeplessness and everyone else’s crazy competitiveness, we decided to take happiness into our own hands the only way we know how: eating! With all these kids killing each other with guns and knives and forks, we thought, why not put all this cutlery to better use? Like, to eat pie. So we made a pie. And we think you should make one too!

There are two unavoidable truths that many people don’t tell you, and if they do, you’re bound not to take them too seriously. The first is that the more you stress, the more you spend. The second is that the more you stress — unless monitoring it greatly (which can also be another factor for stress, right?) — the crappier you eat. Because there’s no time to do otherwise, and when there is, you’re just too tired to cook something healthier.

There are two unavoidable truths that many people don’t tell you, and if they do, you’re bound not to take them too seriously. The first is that the more you stress, the more you spend. The second is that the more you stress — unless monitoring it greatly (which can also be another factor for stress, right?) — the crappier you eat. Because there’s no time to do otherwise, and when there is, you’re just too tired to cook something healthier.

Food is the body’s source of energy and nutrients, without which the human body would cease to function. Most Americans are reminded of this fact three times a day, thanks to the extensively evolved agricultural system that has developed since our transition from hunter-gatherer ways 10,000 years ago. However, the delicate state of the environment leaves the future of food production uncertain, particularly for developing nations.